Struggles

Afraid of loneliness!

I have always been afraid of loneliness, it was my greatest fear and my biggest enemy. 

I thought I could shut that door by making friends. The thing is, I can not make friends! 

They say I am too naive. They say I am too lifeless and rarely they say I am too pure.

The thing is .. I scarcely make friends.

I am too clumsy. I try to be as cool as I can, but I fail and look stupid. 

I open up to anyone and I get hurt. I trust everybody but nobody trusts me. 

I am alone. 

I used to tell mom I need to make some friends, ma I need to throw that party.

She used to say, " However wants to be your friend will never look to a party you have thrown ".

She was right, but I knew that too late.

Too late that she was gone. 

Then I knew who the real friends were, when they stood up by my side and let me learn afterwards.  

Oh dear ma, I miss you. I miss everything you used to tell me, darkness fell after you were gone. 

I had never felt as lonely as after you passed away, which I started to think of as not a bad thing.

I was not afraid of the loneliness anymore. 

It was like a friend of mine, yet this was after a while, when I finally succeeded in making friends.

They were a few ones, but I was fine with it. Then I started to feel like I am done.

I need to sit alone, pray and look up to life.

I need to remember ma and everything she said. 

I still miss her. a lot.

I still remember one time when I used to get jealous because people I get close to have another friends. Yes, I was like a baby, a pure little one. 

I learned everything when it was too late, too late that I have learned that we fall and get up, we get up then fall.

Too late that I have learned that too much effort in a thing won't get it the right way.

Too late that I have known that friends in need are friends indeed.

I have learned everything too late, but I am proud of myself.