This note is long but contains a lot of important information for the story so I encourage you to read this.
Trigger warning: This story deals with the topic of drug abuse. The descriptions of the methods used, the high, and the consequences of the drugs are very detailed. If you know you struggle with addiction, especially to opiates, think carefully before proceeding or use caution and/or accountability while reading. This book series is rated M for a reason. Possible triggers include language, sex, suicide ideology, self harm, domestic abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse of a minor, rape of a minor (including sodomy) and violence with descriptions of weapons, blood and gore. I go into detail and don't hold back. You've been warned.
Other stuff: This is my second major revision of this story, and it's been a couple of years since the last one. As far as stories that mean the most to me, this one and Hunger are at the tippy top.
This story is so close to my heart because of my own struggle with opioid abuse and addiction. I have severe depression and have used these drugs throughout my life to numb myself from the pain, first swallowing all the way back in high school, then snorting, then smoking and then injection. I am on Suboxone full time and have been for a year (Suboxone helps you go off opiates). I guess I'm scared to stop taking it because I don't feel strong enough. I have to be so careful, because the addiction just owns me the second I use. I have a two year old son now who is my whole life, my everything, and the stakes of relapse are higher than they have ever been for me.
The terminology I use in this story might be unknown to some. Here's a list of definitions:
1. Naloxone/Narcan: a treatment (injectable or nasal spray) for opioid overdose that blocks the opioid receptors in the brain, thus bringing the victim back to life.
2. Track marks: sometimes permanent scars from needle use that often look like pink trails following the line of the vein.
3. Rush: the initial short-lived, full body euphoria after injecting or snorting an opiate. People will always hear or read that this is the best high you can get but most normal folks are going to be too scared or cautious to actually try it. As a result lots of people are curious what this feels like once they find out I'm an addict, so I'll just answer once and for all. Here is exactly what it feels like for me (everyone's experience is different). It starts with a sort of whoosh through your body, and you feel almost like your brain liquefies for a second as this very warm wave floods your skull (this only happens with injection). After the brain melt you will feel a warm, heavy sensation throughout your whole body. You feel sleepy, but not like normal sleep. It's hard to explain. Everything just kind of slows down. Those are the physical affects. Now let's talk about mental stuff. Mentally, you feel great, very confident, and like everything is good with the world, like your problems and worries no longer matter or exist. You feel huge love for every human being and immediately forget about any conflicts you may have had with them. Your bad day, your road rage, your stress level- none of that exists anymore. You feel comforted and held by God. It's like that feeling of "everything is gonna be okay." After the feel good stuff you will then be totally relaxed with a dreamy/floaty feeling. You have the urge to close your eyes. You can't talk very well. Trying to move feels like you're engulfed in mud. Despite your best efforts to act normal, people notice you're "on something" at this point. If you look in a mirror you'll see why. Your eyes are heavy and you look like you haven't slept in ten years. This is the most dangerous time for overdoses, and you'll catch yourself forgetting to breathe because you're just so relaxed and your brain isn't screaming for oxygen. You'll think, "Wow I'm not breathing. When did I last take a breath?" Obviously this is deadly if you get too high and fall asleep. This high happens less and less the more you use until you're just using to not experience withdrawal. This happens very quickly, like in the span of a week of using everyday. The rest of your life as an addict will be spent desperately trying to reach that "high" again and mostly failing. First you will try using more. That works until it doesn't. Then you will try to skip using for awhile because you want your body to lose its tolerance so you can be high again, but sadly the withdrawal is just too awful to live through so you can't. That's it. That's your life now. It's more important than literally anything else in your world. Can you just use on the weekends? It's a gamble, and the odds are not in your favor. You can know if you have the addictive gene if you have EVER struggled to break a habit that you know is bad for you. Most people have, so most people who fuck around with hard drugs find out real quick it was the wrong decision.
4. Fentanyl: a synthetic opiate many times more powerful than heroin. It's counterpart, Carfentanyl, is used as an elephant tranquilizer. Adding either to heroin is often lethal.
5. China white: a mix of heroin and Fentanyl
6. Rig: syringe for shooting up
7. Nod, nodding out, on the nod: falling asleep for a few seconds or minutes at random times while high on heroin/opiates. You can even nod while standing up, and I have personally gone into this state while actually walking around. I say "asleep" but for me nodding is like being asleep and awake at the same time. You can have waking dreams (hallucinations). It's very strange. When I "nap" while high, I am never fully asleep but I'm having vivid dreams and the sensation of sleep while knowing I'm awake. It's hard for me to tell the difference between me being asleep and awake if I've been using nonstop for days. I also lose the ability to tell if something was a dream or it really happened. This gets awkward when you dream you did something, like the laundry, and then realize it's not done in real life.
8. Nickel and Dime Bags: nickel is $5 worth of heroin while a dime is $10
9. A "Twenty": $20 bag of heroin
10. Suboxone: a treatment medication for opioid addiction that does not have as many negative side effects as methadone.
11. Bindle: a small envelope containing powdered drugs.
12. Slam: shoot up
Other drug references in the story include:
1. Ice, Glass, Crystal: crystal meth
2. Rock: crack cocaine
3. Tweak, tweaking, tweaker, etc.: to be high on amphetamines
4. Flakka: known as the zombie drug due to its ability to make the user crazy, animal or zombie like, violent, uncontrollable, and unnaturally strong.
5. Fiend: drug addict
6. Dope-slinging: selling drugs
7. Cheese: a mix of heroin and cold medicine
8. Ketamine: an anesthetic that puts the user into a dream-like, otherworldly trance similar to a PCP trip.
YOU ARE READING
Reaper's Lullaby
General FictionNora is crippled by anxiety that lurks beneath a Good Girl shell. Lucas is drowning under the weight of his rage and depression. They've been best friends since they were babies living on the same suburban street and have never needed anything but e...
