Him ; Bastille

Motherhood ; 40

Kitty's perspective
— 15 months later —

Days like today are a ​total p​ain in the ass.

Everyone is just in that miserable autumn, I mean Dan was happy until he realised that Halloween is a month away. I think he's getting excited about Halloween this year because of Lana, our 1 year old. Not only is Halloween her birthday, but because this year I told them that if he abides my rules then he ​might ​take her to his friends Halloween party. I'm still debating whether I'd be a good mom or not.

The benefits are really fucking good! For starters it gives me a break for a few hours — I haven't had a break since a day or two before she was conceived, and that isn't me being melodramatic for once. I can get things done around the house like unpacking the last box...​even though we moved in...god knows how many years ago. The thing is...even though Dan got his 'break' he got bored pretty fast and decided to build a studio in a spare room. I was stressing about noise complaints or...whether building a studio at home is the right thing to do. I hate Dan bringing home work, but now he is creating more work.

But then there's the negatives. ​The endless list of negatives. I​ know for a fact that I'll be worrying about them both. It's no shit that Dan sometimes gets carried away and forgets his father duties — especially if that said Halloween party (which now is now a double birthday party) has alcohol — it turns out Dan's close friend, Ralph, has his birthday a day before Lana's. This year they've arranged a sweet little party by the sounds of things. I really hope that one of Dan's mates does not turn up drunk or in a scary outfit, Lana is still small but she definitely ​will​ get freaked out. Other than Lana being abandoned or scared...I'm nervous that something bad might happen and I won't be there to stop it.

Maybe I should go to the stupid thing? I don't want to miss her 1st birthday because I'm having a long warm soak in the bath or whatever...even if that sounds totally ​luxurious.
I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now, my whole fucking mind is a mess. I've got so many things on my plate right now and Dan-being-Dan is now going against his word and arranging tours. He thinks he is helping by 'getting out of my way for a few hours in the studio' but he really isn't helping at all, ​I need him.​

Instead of getting this knife and psychotically threatening Dan to dump Bastille to look after me and Lana...his original plan — I manically chop up the carrots instead. While I do so, and after nearly cutting the tip of my finger off, the baby starts screaming. That painful piercing scream which rushes through my veins, coursing through my body...​I thought she was asleep.

"Lana!" I shout over her screams in a goofy voice. I'm sleep deprived, stressed out and ​unhappy.​ "Come on girl..." I beg under my breath as I stroke her warm cheek for comfort. She stops for a second, I make a mistake and stop stroking her cheek which makes her cry again...​fuck. ​I know that she doesn't need her diaper changing...since I changed it less than ten minutes ago. Lana either wants her baby food or attention, by her reaction to me comforting her I'm guessing it's the attention-stroke-affection. I smile at her as she dies down screaming, now she just sniffs and makes weird noises. "I love you..." I rest my chin on her high chair and look up at her.

Of course it's going to sound ridiculously biased but she is the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. She has her fathers see blue eyes, but she has my weird red/brown hair color, although it's a lot darker. Within time she's going to be a brunette. But in all honesty she is perfect, and I'm in love with her.

Seconds later after calming her down completely Lana leans forward and literally lays her upper body on my head. She's a strange one​. "Mommy need to make dinner." I smile whilst I try to pull myself away from her, it's a hard thing to do since she's a literal time bomb. "Ow..." I moan as I feel her grab a lock of my hair. "Noooo...." she squeals. With that I smile. She isn't a very good talker at the minute but...her 'no's' are everything.

"Lana banana..." I try to make her laugh as I try making her hold my finger to unlock my hair from her right clasp. "Lana!" I squeal her name as she smiles, I rub my nose against hers before I finally manage to carefully take my hair away.

That's when I stand up — ​thankfully​ — it feels like my back was going to lock in place...that's all I need. I then wave at Lana as I back away from her slowly, after getting to the cooker I turn down the boiling water and put the carrots in the water with the other vegetables. It's Sunday, mine and Dan's weekly roast dinner. Ever since I first set foot in the UK I've had roast dinners every Sunday because of Dan, it's now like our thing...​tradition. Even when we're here in the states!

I go to crouch down to check on the potatoes but stop as I feel Dan creep up behind me and puts both of his arms around my waist. "Dan..." my voice trails off as I feel slightly agitated. But Dan buried his face into my neck and kisses me, I roll my eyes backwards as I hear Lana sniff again — ​I need to give her some food. ​Since she's still too young to eat anything I have to give her the baby food, tonight's weird paste...thing...is...​chocolate mousse. A​t least it looks edible unlike the other crap she has. Plus she's been a good girl today, I need to give her a treat.

I hand the small plastic jar to Dan. "Feed her..." with that I hear Dan sigh. He sighs like he's been doing work all day — today he's done fuck all — but if I remind him that he goes all batshit crazy and then proceeds to remind me that he works six days a week. ​Lately he hasn't been doing anything in the studio except from messing around with sounds that don't...deserve to be 'sounds'. ​But I don't remind him that either. I just keep my mouth shut like I have been doing for a very long time.

"Seriously?" I nod my head as I proceed to get the potatoes out of the oven. While I crouch down I sense that he is still standing behind me, ​of course when I stand up he's there. "​Seriously Dan, feed your daughter." It's a not-so-subtle reminder that he is a father. I mean he is a good dad but...he has his ups and downs. We both do and that's parenting.

"Whatever." He snaps sounding unenthusiastic and almost miserable, which is hilarious because he is turning into something my Dan hated: 'a miserable old bastard'.

It's such a shame people grow up and get addicted to their work life more than their families...even when he more or less promised that it would never happen.