Kissing my Scars and Bruises

chapter four

The blood tests came back showing that the blood infection was treatable with a medicine the doctors had. They had to keep me in the hospital for about a month. William would stop by after school everyday and give me my school work. He would also teach me the new material.

One Monday, I looked up from the notes he had given me to see he was looking, intently, at me. His blue-grey eyes were filled with something I could only define as love. That Friday night meant something to him.

"William, how do you really feel about me? And don't lie." I asked.

"I love you. I don't know why I love you. But, love isn't always logical." William answered. "And, after I saw you fight, I knew that there was no way I could not love you."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, I can't fight, if I ever had a weak girlfriend I know I would never be able to protect her. I thought that I shouldn't love you because you, of all people, look the least likely to hold your own in a fight." William's eyes filled with tears.

"William, I'm not normal, okay. Just know that I can't be normal." I said.

I had to say it. If William wanted a relationship with me, I wanted him to know that I had baggage.

"Look, Sadie, I have baggage as well. I don't care if you have a mood disorder or whatever it is. I have body dysmorphia. Do I look like someone who'd have that kind of problem?" The first tears fell from his eyes.

"It's not a mood disorder, it's Schizophrenia." I explained. "And you don't seem like someone who would have any kind of baggage. But I guess we all have some kind of baggage."

I reached my hand out and wrapped my fingers around his hand. He seemed surprised that I did this.

"You're beautiful. Why would you ever think you're not?" I gave his hand a slight squeeze.

"It's part of my disorder. When I was little I used to be fat and ugly. That is mainly where my disorder comes from." William used his hand I wasn't holding to wipe away his tears. "People used to tease me calling me ugly Will."

"William, you could have any girl in the town, you're not ugly. Why would you want me?" I asked.

"I want you because you're the only girl who's never shown any sign of physical attraction to me." William answered.

To me it seemed obvious that I liked him. I thought anyone could guess that I liked William. Either William was blind or this was part of my disorder. Then a horrible thought occurred to me. What if I was making this conversation up.

"Is this real?" I whispered to myself.

"You tell me." William leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips.

That kiss felt real. It was nothing I could make up. I knew that. William really did love me.

Really is a funny word. I liked that word for deciphering the real world from the world my disorder gave me. Really had the root word real. I wonder how you define really?

"Are you okay?" William asked.

I realized that William had pulled away from me. I guess I was too lost in my thoughts.

"Sorry, I sometimes get lost in this whole other world." I apologized. "William, I have trouble telling fake from real. So I might ask that question a lot."

"I'll always tell you what's real. Count on me." William brought my hand to his lips.

He gently kissed my fingers. I couldn't help but think that I was making this all up. That I was still sitting in class on Friday.

I thought that William would never ask me to a party. That he would never kiss me, even if he was black out drunk. That he would never come to my fight. That he wouldn't care if I was in the hospital. I tried to tell myself that this was just a fantasy. But, this was so real. But, no matter how real it felt it still seemed too perfect to be true. Why would William ever have an interest in me?

"I have to go. If you need anything, you have my number." William stood up and left.

I looked back at the notes. The only thing that seemed clear right now was school work.

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The doctors finally cleared me to be discharged. I had been visited by a second therapist who confirmed that I had schizophrenia. My father was devastated. He cried when the therapist confirmed it.

"Sweetie, Sarah won't be able to pick you up when you get out, I have to work, do you think you can get a ride home?" I read from the text message father had sent me.

I texted William and asked him if he could pick me up when I discharged at one. He texted back quickly saying he would.

At noon William showed up. He had a grocery bag in his hand. I recognized the store logo as the craft shop. How'd he know that I loved crafts? This had to be a hallucination.

"I got you a congratulation gift." William held out the bag.

I took it and opened the sack. Inside was a brush tips marker set and a sketchbook. There was also a drawing pencil. I looked up at him.

"I've seen you drawing in class. You're really good. Thought you'd like it. It's better than drawing on sticky notes." William smiled.

"Thank you." I smiled.

I set the bag on the bedside table. This still made me feel like I wasn't in the real world. I felt like I was making everything up when it came to William. I hated this feeling.

"Hey, I'm real, my feelings for you are just as real as I am." William looked knowingly at me.

"I know, but, it just seems like everything you say to me is too perfect. I feel like I am just making up everything you say to me." I confessed.

"Want me to tell you something that's not perfect?" William asked.

"Yes please." I nodded.

"I feel like loving you is wrong. Not because of you, but, because of me. I feel like, once you see me for who I really am, you'll run away. I want to tell you things that'll make you stay. But, no matter what I tell you, there's still this voice in the back of my mind telling me that you'll leave as soon as you see the real me." William confessed.

His words left me speechless. This was how he really felt. This was his honest feelings. There was no way my mind could make this up. I could never make up how other people felt. Not when it was that detailed.

I could feel his pain. I could feel his emotions. They were real and raw. I loved William more, now. He was brave enough to tell me his feeling. Telling me how scared he was to be rejected by me.

"William, I won't reject you. I'm just scared that this will be a hallucination." I looked at William.

"God, I love you so much." William pressed his lips against mine.

They were filled with a heat that melted away my fear and insecurities. A heat I've been missing since Mom walked out of my life, ten years ago. I wanted more of that heat.

I pulled William closer to me. He kissed me harder. His tongue brushed over my lips, before parting them and slipping in. I reveled in the feeling that this kiss gave me. It was so real and so raw.

William pulled out from the heated kiss. He was breathing unevenly.

"That was amazing." William smiled. "You're amazing."

A/N~ Thank you for reading chapter four. Wow this story is really getting along. Of course it's the seventh of October and I gotta finish this by the thirty-first. Wow I'm gonna need some marshmallows. Okay so there's no marshmallow emoji so I'm gonna end it.

Adios amigos 🐼