truly, teddy ✔️ [unedited]

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dear ivo,

the hallucinations came back. i can't. i can't even tell you how much I want to die right now. i feel numb and just existing, not living. it feels like i'm just a burden for people to take care of. like i wasn't even meant to be born.

i don't want to tell you why i feel this way, but you're probably confused. why would I suddenly want to die when I have you, ty, and everyone else. well here it is.

[i'm crying while I'm writing this. this is really hard okay? i need help]

i had taken to looking out the window after supper and just stare at the world. I've fallen asleep on the window sill more times than i care to count. okay so there's this building that's parallel to my window so i can see the roof and it looks so pretty at night because they put christmas lights around the edge and it's just a nice vibe from that place.

until last night when not only the vibe was killed but a person too.

there was someone walking on the roof. at first i couldn't see who it was, but then the person got to the edge and i wanted to scream and scream and scream until my throat dried up and i couldn't breathe anymore.

it was ray standing on the edge of the building, ivo. she was looking down and i was banging on the window, screaming her name, anything to get her to not jump.

when she had her tiny toes hanging off the edge - those cute toes i played this little piggy with when she was one, those cute little toes i loved to tickle to cheer her up - she looked over at me. i couldn't breathe when those soulless, lifeless eyes landing on mine. those weren't ray's eyes. but it was her face, her body, her hair, her everything. it just wasn't her eyes.

then she smiled at me, ivo. she smiled at me. a toothless, lifeless smile that said she couldn't wait to die. i then realized that it was just a hallucination and none of it was real but my mind couldn't not believe it. it was so real that i had a super hard time not believing it. it was so real because she was tapping her thigh, a thing she did when she was excited and she sat down because she always had weak ankles and then she pushed off the building and jumped, smiling the whole time and all i could do was scream and scream her name until bile came up in my throat and i was puking because i was so disgusted with myself at how I could think of something so horrifyingly scary and i can't. I just can't anymore.

[oddly enough, no nurse came in. i think they're used to me screaming]

after that, i went to doctor bell's office and asked him to take me away to cherry hills. i said even i think i'm going crazy and need locked up. he said he would be he'd have to have mum agree too.

i phoned mum and told her about the hallucination. she said the earliest she can come with ray is in a week. i need to see ray. i need to know she's alive still.

i really am going crazy.

truly,
teddy