Show Me Who's Boss

fifteen

I sighed as we drove back towards the campus. I didn't want to go home to my lonely dorm room. I'd miss her too much. "You okay baby?" She asked and I hummed. "I'm fine." I said and she hummed a little. "You're lying. Tell me what's wrong." She said and i sighed again. "I just... i really liked being together and not having to hide." I said and she sighed a little. "I liked it too. But.. we don't really have to hide. We're both consenting adults. And my mother already knows about us. We can't really get in trouble." She said and i sighed. "It's just not the same. You're my teacher. I don't want to be judged on who i decided to be with." I said and she stayed quiet. "I didn't realize it was so hard for you to imagine being seen with me." She said and i looked at her. "What? It's not." I said, confused. "Obviously you've thought about it and how it upsets you. You've just decided people are going to judge us. And that's that I guess huh?" She asked and i bit my lip. "I'm sorry Emma. But I want to be with someone who's proud of being mine." She said as she parked in front of my building. I just looked at her, my eyes glassy. "So.. that's it? You're breaking up with me?" I asked, my voice cracking. She looked out her window. "We didn't have that long of a relationship. It was hardly real. It'll be like it never happened in a few days." She said and i felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. "I'm glad to know how you feel about our relationship. Because for me it was very real. Who cares how long we were together? I love you, and I thought you felt the same. You know how it wrecked me when you stopped talking to me. I hope you don't regret this in the morning. Because I don't know if I'll want to subject myself to that pain again." I said and got out with my stuff, not waiting for her reaction. I sniffled as I wiped my tears, only for more to fall. What the actual fuck? I went in and went straight to my room. I dropped my bags and got in bed, immediately starting to sob into my pillow. How could she?

——

I stared at the tattoo on the inside of my wrist, memories flooding my brain. Why did she do this? I love her so much. And she just.. ended it? Does she not feel the same as I do? No. She wouldn't have said it if she didn't. Right? I bit my lip, seeing the thin pink and white lines around and under my tattoos on my forearm and I sighed a little. I've been a little over three years clean of self-harm. But lately.. those feelings have come back. Stronger than ever. Along with other unwanted thoughts. I thought I was better. I don't know how to fix it. Or if I even can. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked around my class. I was tired. So unbearably tired. But i was trying. Trying to be okay. Trying to return to normal. I love her so much. And it sucks not having her anymore. It's been two weeks since she ended it. And I am absolutely miserable. I didn't even listen as my math teacher droned on and on. I leaned my head on my hand and stared out the window. I sighed as I looked at the clouds. Everything makes me think of her. The sky. The clouds. The weather. Everything. My teacher dismissed us and i packed my things. "Emma. Can you stay after please?" She asked softly and i nodded a little. I got up after packing my things and looked at her. She gave me a soft smile. "Are you alright? You've been kind of checked out the past few weeks..." she said softly and i sighed. "I'm just.. going through a really bad breakup." I said softly and she frowned. "I'm sorry Emma." She said and i nodded. "If you need someone to talk about. I'm here." She said and i nodded a little. "Thank you Dr. Black." I said and she smiled, nodding. "Of course darling. And please. Call me Fiona."

Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there
The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air
It's hard
Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running 'round
It's funny how things never change in this old town
So far
From the stars

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Mmmmm

I saw that you moved on with someone new
In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you
It's so hard
So hard

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

And I know that it's wrong
That I can't move on
But there's something 'bout you

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Mmmm
Everything comes back to you
Mmmm