what i feel like?
i'm not sure. i feel like I'm too fat and I eat too much,but i just can't stop eating and i hate myself for that. also it's the sadness what's overwhelming my mind all the time,but now it goes to that agressive part again and that's bad. really bad. most of the time when I'm agressive I hurt myself,but I'm almost 3 weeks clean and I'd love to get one month to be clean. I think I'll not get,but maybe I'm strong enough. I really want to be and I try as hard as I can. I always tell him,when I have a problem,but now I'm afraid of that. the next thing why i hate myself. why am i afraid? i know i can tell him anything and i really want to,but my mind is just telling me that i should not do,because if i do i'm stupid and annoying, even if I know I'm not to him. I can't change it,so I try to describe it over here. he's the only reason why I want to be strong or more likely I'm strong because of him. he gives my the air i need.
but
he has problems too. not as much as i have I think,but he has a lot. and I really want to help him. i want to help all of my friends. but i can't. it just doesn't work. and I'm so sorry. i feel like I gotta be a bitch since I have a boyfriend,but he makes me feel so loved and grateful for being myself. and at the same time it's just like all overwhelming feelings come back.
- I want to cut
- I'm too fat
- I act like a slut
a slut.
I say to myself I'm a slut.
I know I'm not,but I feel like I am. don't say I'm not,because you have no idea,what my mind is doing. my mind is completely exploding. in the inside I'm screaming soooooo loud,but I can't tell anyone.
oh yeah,babygirl? i know you're reading this right now. i love you and I'm sorry for being this bitch i am right now. i don't deserve being ur friend. i hope you can forgive me.
i always saw the quote with this "inside I'm screaming,but no one can hear" and i never felt that way,because i had a lot of people i could tell how i felt.
and i still have people in my life which are really important and i know i can trust them,but it just doesn't feel the same anymore and something inside me tells me I should only tell him. but I can't tell him,so it feels like I have no one.
AND DON'T TELL ME I'M NOT ALONE,BECAUSE I KNOW I'M NOT,BUT I AM RIGHT NOW,SO SHUT UP FUCK I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!!!
I only love him,he's the only reason why I'm fighting or why I'm trying to.
I'm sorry for being a failure like this.
