Shit rant poems

I've Lost//The First

I look for the right piece of paper

In piles of unimportant trash

I see something
Folded

I grab it hungrily

But it was just

Another joke

To pile with the others

And I can't stop my search

Until I find

The serious

Important

Thing

That began
Me

And started this

So never let me

Abandon my search

For something that's not even that good

Because it has alot of meaning

Not in the words

Or the sentiment

But just to me

Its presence

It holds

An unimaginable amount

Of power

The one

That pushed ne

To a new edge

And showed me a new world

One that voices all my pain

And

I fucking wish I could say

There you are

I found you

And it's like I never lost you

But

I can't

Anymore

Because I finally lost it

For good

And it won't be there anymore

So I'll regret

That whenever I cringed

Or hated on it

Said it was dumb

For show

Because

It meant a fuckton

And

First times are never good

So now

It will

Just

Be
A
Dream
Of
Greatness

And memories

Of failure

But it's okay

Because I failed it first

And not just slowly

Over due time

Now I'm  just stuck

With flashbacks

To all the fake newsflashes

And the structure of essays

Undone and unwritten
And

The origin of my poems

Are forever lost

Because they didn't start at the first chapter

That

Was it

Being reborn

For
The public eye

And I would always have the orginal

Until it was ready for publishing

If ever

But I guess

I won't have that anymore

And that will have to be alright

But I'll still look in every notebook

Laying around my room

And house

Reading everything I've written

Revision notes and love songs

And everything everyone else has written there in there

Criticism jokes and goodbye notes

And dont forget the pile of birthday cards

From relatives I've never met

From all the meaningless years

Like when i was 12, 13 & 14

And I'll probably read through them

Like I do periodically

About every six months

With a shitty Katy Perry playlist playing in the back

Because she reminds me of being a kid

And i dont even like her

She just makes me reminisce

But thats just how life is

You never realise youve lost something irreplacable

Until you'd do anything to get it back

And everything else you have pales in comparison

And you just fucking want

The priceless thing you want

Whether its her

Or him
They

Or them

It

Or
What

Some words are irrplacable

And

So are many other things

But

Today

I lost my first poem

And

I only realised that today

It had probably already been gone for so long

I just didn't fucking know it

Some times you fuck up

Irreplacably
Irretrievably so
But it's okay

As long as you make it

Over the right amount of time

And

When youre trying to write anew

It helps to revise the old
And to see who you wanna be