30 Day Writing Challenge // Ryllon [PART THREE]

Day 21: Missing

I've always had the curse of being too attached to something or someone. I warn everyone about it before I start a relationship, and then in the end they push me away and break it off because I'm so 'needy'. 

Ryan is the exact same way, which is the exact reason why we're married. 

It's not that we've been hiding it from the guys, but I have mentioned it occasionally to them and some fans and they all just assume I'm joking. No one's taken it seriously because we've never posted pictures together or have been seen together in public. 

Tour is the hardest part about our relationship. Months of not seeing each other, months of no hugs, no kisses, no cuddles, no dinner, no sex, nothing. We would facetime a few times, text each other, call each other, anything to talk to the other. All of those ways of communication have ended very sexually at least once. 

The thing about Ryan is that he knows exactly how to make me feel happy. When I'm away from him, I just feel sad and depressed and that causes my dark thoughts to come back. He's the only one out of anyone in the world who knows about my self harm habits. I almost never wear t-shirts and luckily no one's noticed. When I'm on tour, it feels like I have at least one mental breakdown. I love entertaining and performing for the fans, but I can't stand being away from someone I deeply love and care about for so long. 

"Hey, listen, I've been wanting to talk to you for a while, but we're starting to get worried about you," Zack says, and it takes me a moment to realize that he's talking about me. Brendon remains quiet, but looks at me worriedly.

"Why?" I ask quietly.

"You've been... I don't know, you just seem down," Brendon tells me. 

"Down?"

"Dallon, we haven't seen you smile in about 4 months," Spencer says. Huh. I guess I haven't smiled in a while. 

"I'll be fine," I say, then reach down for my water bottle. I take a drink, but by the time I put it down, Spencer is staring at me in disbelief, shock, and worry. I frown. 

"Your arm," Spencer chokes out quietly. My heart sinks and I suddenly feel like my whole world is crashing down. I try to tug the sleeve down, but I'm just frozen. I'm sitting directly behind Zack, Spencer on my right and Brendon in front of him. Brendon notices, his eyes widening almost immediately. I can't speak. I can't move, can't speak, can't do anything. Tears threaten to form in my eyes. I can hardly breathe. 

"Dallon... when..." Brendon starts, but it seems like he can't talk either.

"What? What's going on?" Zack asks because he can't see anything that's going on behind him.

"Since when have you been cutting?" Spencer asks, but more worried than angry. Zack tenses, obviously confused, and I just want to jump out of the car. We're almost to my house. Mine is the easiest to get to from the airport. I open my mouth, and suddenly it's too hot to breathe. I try, but I feel like I'm choking. 

"Maybe you should stay with-"

"Just take me home," I say, and almost aggressively, finally pulling my sleeves down to my knuckles. They all tense. After a moment, we reach my neighborhood.

"How can I trust you to be alone?" Zack asks.

"I won't be alone," I say, anxiously playing with my ring. That's another thing I do. I play with my ring if I start to break. It's a way of reminding myself that I'm gonna see Ryan soon. We're home for the holidays and start up again for New Year, and I'm starting to wonder if Ryan should just come with us now. 

Spencer notices it, frowning. I shakily pull out my phone as we pull up into the driveway. 

Me: I'm home. I don't care if they see anymore.

They all decide to follow me inside, helping me with my things as I turn my phone off. I know I'm shaking. I'm about to break, and I'm trying so hard to keep it in. Tears form and I try to just look down.

We open the front door and set all of my stuff down. Zack goes to speak, but Ryan appears. He notices the tears, both of us rushing up to the other. He wraps his arms around my neck as I wrap mine around his waist tightly, fingers gripping his shirt tightly.

"Hey, babe, you're okay, I got you now," Ryan says quietly, one hand on the back of my head. His left hand, to be exact. They can see his ring, and I know they've all seen mine. Zack and Ryan say a few things to each other, something about checking in on me tomorrow or something, and then they leave. The second the door is closed, I gasp and let out a short sob.

"Hey, hey, baby, it's okay, you're alright now. What happened?"

"They found out," I manage to say, almost forced.

"About?"

"They saw my arms," I say, and I almost immediately regret it. I didn't tell him that I relapsed. He thought I didn't have a blade with me this time. He thought I threw all of my blades away.

He pulls away, his tear filled eyes matching mine. 

"Dallon, why didn't you tell me?" He asks. 

"Because you were gonna be disappointed in me," I tell him quietly. 

"I will never be disappointed in you, Dallon. I love you, okay? I am never gonna stop loving you. I am gonna be here for you for the rest of our lives, and I'm never gonna be disappointed in you," he tells me, looking at me sadly. I suddenly feel so annoying and just a bother, and that makes my heart hurt. I'm bothering him.

"I'm sorry," I choke out. 

"No, hey, hey, hey, Dallon, baby, listen, you're okay, okay? Whatever happened on the tour bus happened, and there's nothing we can do about it. Why don't we sit down and watch a movie, because god, I've missed you so much," he says, and I nod. He kisses me and I kiss back.

I'm tired of missing him.