Love is War (A Divergent Fanfic)

Chapter 24

Tobias carries me back to the room, and I collapse onto the bed.  I feel tears behind my eyes, but for some reason, I'm so heavy that I can't push them out; they stay behind my unblinking eyes, and I feel Tobias sit on the edge of the bed.

"It's better this way," he tells me, pushing me up so I'm sitting, too, and putting a hand on my back.  He rubs it in small circles, soothing me.  I feel my body shudder, and I realize how empty I feel.  I am now responsible for Al and Peter's deaths.

"Kiss me," I say blandly.  Tobias frowns, pulling my chin to look into his eyes.

"What?" he asks.

"Kiss me," I repeat.  I need to feel something.  There has to be something inside of me.  Some sort of emotion.  

Tobias leans down, kissing my softly.  Nothing.  I pull him back towards me, kissing him again and again, but I feel nothing.  Again.

Panicking, I allow him to continue on, brushing his hands under my shirt and playing with its hem.  I feel absolutely nothing.

After about five minutes of this, I pull away.  "Tobias," I say, out of breath.  "What's wrong with me?"

He raises an eyebrow questioningly.  I sigh and crawl onto his lap, nuzzling my head into the curve of his neck.  "I don't feel anything."  He kisses my forehead, and I feel his heart racing.  He felt something.  Why didn't I?

"What do you mean?" he asks.  His voice is scratchy and hoarse.  I feel so bad that I can't love him as much as he loves me right now.

"I mean, I don't feel anything."  The panic is back again.  Saying it aloud makes it more real.  "I was kissing you and you were feeling something, and I wasn't."

He strokes my head, and I feel his heart slowing down.  "Peter just died.  I understand why you feel this way.  But it's okay," he says.  "Now, are you okay?"

I put on a fake smile.  "Yeah," I say.  "I love you."

"I love you, too," he says, and he lies down, pulling me on top of him.  He smiles a small half-smile, and I decide to play along.

By the end of the night, we've sleep together again, but I lie in bed after he's asleep, realizing I still didn't feel anything the whole time we did it.   As I glance over and see how peacefully Tobias is sleeping, I realize that I don't want to hurt him anymore.  He can't be with someone as reckless as me.  Slowly, I creep out of bed, putting on my clothes and sneaking outside.

It's been a few hours, and now the compound is still.  The cameras are on, I know, and if I don't go through with it right away then someone will catch me.  I should just turn around.  Go back into our warm bed, next to Tobias and... and... and what?  Feel hollow for the rest of my life?  Live with the guilt?

I walk with my hands in my pockets and my head bend down low.  I decided to wear my dullest clothing.  No sense in wasting something nice.

I stand over the ledge of the chasm now.  Just one slip over the railing.  All it takes.  I put my hands on the rail and feel the cold, slippery metal beneath my fingers.  I shudder, and instinctively back away from the ledge as a wave splashes up near me.  It sloshes all over my shoes and pants, and I feel the familiar cold sweep into my body.  Finally, I'm alive again.  I feel pain.  Misery.  And I like it.

I think of the wedding.  We'll never have it.  I think of the baby.  We'll never have that, either.  Maybe if  I go back home now, I can say I was looking for something I left here when I witnessed Peter being dragged out in a body bag.

That's what I should do.  But I'm stuck, my feet frozen and planted in this spot, and I move back to the railing, leaning over it and looking into the water.  It's still tinted red from Peter's blood.

I just need to jump.

I just need to jump.

I just need to jump.