Numb

Chapter 3

Lisa's POV

I walk across the hall and push Amy's door open a bit, making sure nobody sees. I look at all of my sisters, laughing together. Katherine and Dani are sharing a chair, while Lauren and Amy take the bed. Christina is in the beanbag chair in the corner. They seem happy, so decide I close the door, they don't need me to ruin their fun. Then I hear the movie end and they start talking about the video we are posting. I pause for a second, and debate going in, I edited the video after all. Lauren asks something, but I can't quite make it out. I am about to go in, but then I hear something that makes me recoil like I was slapped. Dani said, "Lisa killed that song. Her singing sounded horrible." The rest of my sisters agree and laugh, and I hear them move on to other subjects. I stand frozen for a moment, before heading back to my room, as if on autopilot.

I email the finished editing to Christina, turn off the lights, and then lay in my bed. I think about what Dani said, and what all the people on YouTube were saying in the comments. I had brushed off the rude comments I saw earlier that day, but if my own sisters agreed with them, that definitely made it true, right?

If those comments are true, what else is? I decide take out my phone and look through some comments. They call me ugly, annoying, horrible, tone-deaf, stupid, attention hog, and it just keeps on going. Some are saying that the band would be way better without me. Is this really what everyone thinks of me?

Before I even realize it I am crying. I start to tell myself that everything they are saying is true. Why would they say that if it wasn't? I mean, I actually am ugly, look at my legs, and how fat I am.  And my hair, those people are right, it's horrible!

Maybe I am a horrible, annoying, stupid, ugly person. The thoughts just keep going through my head. They won't stop. Before I even realize what I am doing I am in my bathroom holding a razor. I stare down at it. I think about what a horrible person I am, I need to do something to atone for that. I deserve the punishment, right?

Slowly I being the razor to my arm, and make one cut. I can barely feel it, so I make another, this one deeper. I can definitely feel that one, and the blood drips down my arm. The sweet relief this action brings surprises me. I just stare at the cuts. Then I realize, the thoughts are going away. All I think about is the sting of my skin, and the blood running down my arm. I cut again, and again. There are now many cuts on my arms, and I reach a finger out, tracing each one.

The thoughts are completely gone, so I think to myself, 'The punishment worked? It made everything go away...so I must have deserved it, because now I don't see those comments, and I don't hear my sisters' laughter running through my head.'

I rinse off the razor, and then look at my bleeding arms. I grab some toilet paper and hold it on the cuts till the bleeding slowed down, then I put a few bandaids on my arms and pulled down my sleeve.

It looks like it never happened, but it did. I know this is bad, but it felt so good. I deserved it, but does that make it okay?