Loving The Goddess

Chapter 20.

It has to of been a couple of hours ive been out here and the sun has set. I finally stopped crying but i didnt want Jasper or Rose to be able to feel what I was feeling. I honestly didnt either I just wanted to be numb. Thats exactly what i did i numbed myself with whiskey! I went to the liquor store and yes I know all are closed so i just broke the window. I took all the whiskey i could carry and i kinda chugged 6 bottles before i left. Then I just walked toward the house as i drank the Liquor, loving the burn every swollow its weird after your 10th bottle it is like it just becomes water. Even the sweet taste disappears. Finally home and 26 bottles of whiskey on the wall I was maybe.. Just a wee bit drunk.. When I walked in the house, I seen a lot of vampire eyes on me I smile as drunkenly as i can. I even maybe tried to hide my last bottle behind my back. I seen Alice, Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle all frowned their eyebows. The rest kinda didnt know how to feel. I may heve tried to sneak away as i chugged the rest of the bottle but someone snachted the bottle out of my mouth. I growled as i went to grab that person but stopped mid grab as i seen rose there frowning at me as she handed the bottle to someone i looked her in the eyes and seen disapproval and pitty going through her eyes. I looked at the ground immediately.
"Alex look at me." She whispered out. I just stayed staring at the ground it made me feel worse seeing that look especially the pitty. She traces my jaw with her fingertips as she steps a little closer. "Please. Baby. Please look at me." She whisperes softly as she hooks her finger under my chin. I look up and lock eyes with her. "Talk to me not the bottle please dont do this." I take deep breath. I just wanted to numb out and forget till i could bury it all tommorrow. I reluctantly agreed by nodding my head and walked towards the stairs as Alice followed me and rose. We went to my study, They sat down on my ledge as I kinda just pasted for a little. After a couple minutes alice spoke.
"Just speak your mind let us help you alex." I took a breath as I stop pasting and just look at them as I try to seem more sober then I am but I dont think its worked. So I just sat on the floor and just stared at the wood flooring as I just start to speak.
"I am ment to be monster and a freak from the start. He alway drilled that in my head. I was never going to know what true love was, I was never suppose to meet my mate let alone them accept me. The only peson to love me was his mate and I killed her. I was the enemy he was forced to keep but he never was told to love me just make sure I live." I pause as i take a deep breath. "He loved to try new torture methods on me if he could get me to scream and beg for him to stop he knew it would work on all the souls trapped a level below me where everyone who has died and been sent there gets cagged and tortured till their sentence was served. It got harder and harder to make me scream cause the only courage I had was to hold them off so he never got what he wanted, but that never worked in my favor cause he would push harder. I would have to say drowning over and over for a year straight was one of the ones that sucked the most cause it wasnt for his normal reason to cause me pain it was just so I felt death over and over so he could do his job. The feeling of dying then waking up to just choke on water and drown all over again it was the most irritating feeling. I would always dread if he said we are doing the tank." I swallow the lump thats been forming it my throat. "He would have me so weak sometimes that I couldnt even pick my head up off the ground but i would still be in chains, even if I was in a full cage i would have a chain around me. I was he's own stress reliver if he ever was to pissed and couldn't attack the person that pissed him off he would come to my cell and think of a "treatment" for the day. Sometimes if I never would cry or beg for him to stop he would let his gaurds have their way with me but being that I have a penis they just used my mouth but being numb and as weak as I was it was easy to close my mind doors as i just wait for it to stop. But even then there was way worse of his methods, he alway found new method eveyone of them getting stronger and hurt more. But you grow use to some levels of pain after the years. But I guess the positive of this was after every session Lauren would come in drop me or untie me then take me to my cell to chain me up then clean me up and then after he went to sleep she would bring me an instrument and let me go." I chucked soft. "I would be starved at months on end just so he knew i was super weak that I wouldn't even have the will to spit in his face like I use to when I was around 18. You know I only killed him cause he forgot that he feed me the other night and he never gave me the shot. So I had strenghth but i played that I was so weak so he just grown to comfortable with his routine that he forgot to check my chains when he turned to get the blade i broke the chains off. After that all I seen was red as I went after him he turned around in enough time for me to grab his neck and rip it out all while I seen the look on his face of pure fear. Then peice by peice i tore him apart. Lauren came in to clean me but the moment she enter and seen me just tearing him still apart even after he was dead. She physically had to hold me and sing my song cause I just couldnt stop even though I knew he was dead, It still hard to belive, I still am scared that im going to wake up back there and this was just a cruel joke. Or that I will turn into the monster that he said im ment to be." At the end i didnt even notice i was full blow crying or that rose moved to my side, in till she wiped my tears away. I could see alice looking down. As rose just held me and i just burried my face in her neck as I let the feeling rip through me i couldnt even stop it.
I could feel myself crying harder then another pair of hands wrap around me back as i bury myself into rose more.