fortuity | jhs

38: 갈망

yearn

·  ──── ·𖥸· ────  ·

hoseok

i can feel the heat radiating in the room, the bright nurturing light entering the windowsills as soft translucent rays of light glows in the room.

i couldn't actually pin point how long has it been since i'm awake, well to be precise i'm not actually awake, my conscious is awake and on full alert. my eyes are the one deceiving others about my current awareness.

but to take a good and safe guess it's probably been around four to five hours since i'm glued into this weary state.

it was 04.37 a.m when i looked at the digital clock hanging above the sliding door, and that was the last time i opened my eyes, by rough calculations it should be half past eight or even nine o'clock.

why am i doing maths?

yet i find my head sinking deeper to what it feels as soft duvets starts to bring me more into the plushy and warm blankets whilst my head becomes more awake than the rest of my limbs.

it's when i feel all heat looms to my head, making me dizzy and all kinds of nausea to struck me once realization came into mind.

wait.

where did i place my head?

oh no shit.

"ummm." my eyes bolts open, yet realizing that it's meeting with the pitch black from me burying my head profusely on the sheets.

i place both my arms on the bed, exactly beside my head. each one of them complementing every side as i apply pressure to get my head away from the duvets.

it feels like i haven't looked up in years when i'm almost close to hearing my neck snap.

this time, my eyes is prepared. my whole body is prepared for what scenario is waiting ahead for me, not my mentality — my soul.

my heart.

it's like reliving your very own utopia, all where it seems to be in place.

even the now stable beep emitting from the heart monitor, the smaller amount of drops dripping from your iv bag, the little mess that your hair whisked during the five days of your repose.

nevertheless those eyes that would give me the same care whenever i dropped by abruptly and found myself in a teary mess within your comfort, only to rant about things that never did came to mind before i met you. the same kindness that you showed when you were helping yoongi when he was unpacking his furnitures. the same attention you had me fluttering and eventually more to make me better at realizing at what my heart is trying to tell and for once for it to actually scream until i have no choice but to comply to each and every word.

but then how your eyes are looking at me now gives me all kinds of emotions, questions that comes to eat me in curiosity.

"i miss you." you said it first.

it's more than miss for me.

"i freaking miss you, jung hoseok," she professes, almost screaming when tears greets her skin.

she tries to gulp down the air from allowing her to speak, "b-but this." she raises one of her hand, palm crumpled into a fist with a familiar paper being enveloped by her fingers.

i shouldn't have written that.

she wiped those tears by the back of her palms, voice still cracking as i try to not break myself from this composure. "there are some truths to it," her voice trembles by the pain of holding the rest of her tears back.

why some?

"and some that i can't escape myself from anguish by reading it," she whispers as her voice aren't present anymore by how much she's trying to suppress those tears.

she bites her lips to obtain some peace by not opening them, it's fairly akin to me. two broken people trying to have an absolute answer to what stands as their relationship.

with the breath i exhaled breathily, i elongate both my arms to reach her palms, finding mine enclosing hers as she stares on it, bare and deep.

"i-i'm sorry i wrote that." with those words i realise my lips that's starting to line into assurance.

i find my fingers now cupping her chin, mentally asking her to redirect her gaze back to mine as mine is on hers. "look, we've never discuss it. at what or where our relationship stands on."

"when you were taken in to be cared in the hospital it left me some time to think — to think about us."

"i kept asking myself why — why do i keep running back to you?"

"why do i find myself walking back to trace my traces leading back to you?"

"why do i find myself reminiscing about all those days, hours, even seconds that we spent."

i stop momentarily to look that she stopped herself from those whimper that she was holding in, now completely silent. "when i wrote that letter it made me realize something mina."

"we were thrown by fate at the times where everything made us felt so lost. a piece of paper was what made us meet. so i thought why not do the same, since we both agreed it's the one thing even the both of us can never erase from our existence," this i tell her with sincerity more than i could show anyone else.

"and i to be honest was glad that i decided to write that, why?"

"it made me realize that 'miss' wouldn't be the word to fit how i was feeling when you weren't awake," i say truthfully, for once this one time where i feel fate allows me to do so, to profess how i feel.

"it made me realize that my heart finds its way to yearn for the other."

"it yearns for the heart of the woman sitting across from me."

"it yearns for you, the one woman named so mina."

"the one who has unconsciously marked mine as hers."

••
update!
ohoho, calm down it's not the end yet. we still have the mystery between yoongi and seokjin. have some chocolate if you're feeling down or even better if you have lavender oil to help you calm your nerves, xxsunny.

and special thanks to -HOBIHOLIC for reviewing this book.