fortuity | jhs

43: 지난

past

·  ──── ·𖥸· ────  ·

seokjin

rage isn't what i'm feeling.

those feline eyes, both intriguing and intricate for one soul to know now stands in front of me.

"just hea-"

i deny his request and opposes another idea, "no, come with me and let's talk this moderately."

i walk straight through the kitchen and to my office whilst he follows me with no other comments.

my finger trails on the wooden desk before i place myself to sit on my chair and instructs him to take a stool and sit to face me.

"i'm sorry." it slips through his lips and rolls from his tongue immediately, cutting through any tense and irking atmosphere.

i smile, unknowing to any reason or cause, "to look back, it wasn't anyone's fault. everything and everyone was at a timing where everything went south. where the catalyst rocketed more from what fate had written." i shrug.

his breath stiffens, "still, i'm the one who offered to drive. heck i was the one who was supposed to be more on alert in what i was doing."

"and you were, you were very much on alert. no one died, they're still alive to this day," i say.

"yet they lose a bit of themselves. nothing could replace that."

"they're suffering!" he sighs and runs his hands frustratedly all over his face, "and it's not even their fault seokjin. it's mine, the one who got them involved."

i know that.

"i will never be relieved knowing that they couldn't remember. for what i did should've been hold solely by me!" he stops his action and comes to a halt.

that's it.

"i'm tired you know? tired of reenacting the same conversation we had years ago!"

i know it to quick that this outburst would happen. it already did, i let myself to do so and there's no intention to stop.

"tired of listening to your sorry's, regrets and how much you blame yourself!"

now his tongue is twisted and take that sign for me to loosen up.

"how you suddenly appear after who knows where for seven whole years, and then coming back here. suddenly showing your face!"

"i'm tired of the amount of lies i have to spit out in order for his memories to stay intact! saying those words when they never did happen," i bite my tongue, trying to suppress the rage bombarding me.

he becomes silent, eyes looking at me attentively yet his face shows nothing, it's as if he's blocking all those emotions to intrude him and it's trampling over every conscience he has.

"it's agonizing for me to see, yet i'm not the one who's even living with it, coping with it when they didn't even realize."

"how wrecking it is for the three of us to see — how we tried to put the pieces back together into place. because you know why? they did not deserve any of this mess that came all so sudden." i start to choke those words out.

i let myself spit every word that's been residing in, "and all we got was her memories to reject it."

"not allowing it to even go further and ended up placing her on the hospital bed, again!"

"do you even know how happy yoona was when she met mina again? oh she thought that she was happier than the day she met yoongi. it gets that far of people missing her!

"then do you even think how many parts of me that misses her?"

my throat starts to tighten more, eyes welling and holding back the tears, "i missed looking out for her, i missed being that figure she would always go to ask questions about baking, helping her to do her homework. i missed singing lullabies to her when she wanted her date to never end and ended up staying awake through the night!"

i stand on my legs, forcing it to stand even when it's wobbly. "heck, i missed everything!"

"when i heard that news of her being admitted to the hospital again, i was torn, thinking that there would be no hope left."

"them losing their memories, even if it's partially could never be brought back. nothing. no. no one could do that."

"because it's true. yes it's best to forget, but it's different if you can't remember."

"whether it's hobi or mina, i could never ever be able to fix what was theirs and neither can you fix it." a creek from the door resonates and i look towards it in a fraction.

i'm sorry you have to know this.

"what can't he fix hyung?" hoseok's voice howls into the office.

i really am.

"your memories hoseok, it's what i can't and others fix." he speaks after shutting his lips for so long.

"and why is that?" i look beside hoseok, there stands mina with her eyes swollen and tinted with strawberry red.

you were involved in a car accident.

you both were.

••
update!
i hope it wasn't too much to take in. if you've read dance before, uwu thank you. school is choking me, no joke. take good care of yourself and remember to eat daily, xxsunny.