Tracing Memories

44: W i l l p o w e r

Two days later my doorbell rang at nine in the evening. I carefully opened the door only to find it was you. I was caught off guard and it made me blink in surprise. You hadn't called or texted me all this time and then you just suddenly showed up at my door, it took me a moment to realize what was happening.

You walked in and pulled me into a hug immediately. I heard you whisper "I missed you." next to my ear. I didn't say anything. We settled on the couch as usual. You circled your arms around my waist and rested your head on my shoulder.

"I'm so tired." You sighed. I remained quiet still.

What I hadn't shown the other day was how your behavior had left me feeling a little resentful. You promised to tell me everything and then you disappeared again leaving me worried sick for you. All I could do was run around looking for clues and asking other people about you. You left me feeling so overwhelmed and didn't seem to notice at all.

"What happened? You're awfully quiet today." You remarked.

My chain of thoughts broke at this. You were looking up at me anticipating an answer. What would I say to you? It didn't seem like the time to tell you how was I really feeling, why was I quiet, that I had been going crazy, yet again, wondering where you were. I admired the way you faced all of the problems in your way head on, I just wished you didn't keep forgetting about me when you did so.

You sat up and held my face between your palms. "What's wrong?" You asked again gently.

My eyes were getting misty seeing you be so caring after so long. I missed that so much. Now that you were with me it was as if nothing was wrong but then you would leave again and forget about me for days again.

I felt so conflicted in that moment. Maybe I was overthinking everything, after all, I didn't know anymore. I blinked away the tears and used all my willpower to not show what I was thinking. 

I finally shook my head and said, "Nothing."