Tracing Memories

49: F o r M e ?

I heard the door close and figured you left. I continued to cry long after that sitting on my bed covering my face with my hands. Eventually, I couldn't go on anymore and got tired and fell asleep.

When I woke up the first thing I noticed was that my eyes felt like they were swollen and hurting and my throat felt dry like paper. But none of it compared to the heaviness my heart felt at the moment. Groaning, I got up and made my way downstairs to get some water.

I turned on the TV just to kill the dead silence that felt like haunting me in my own house. As it echoed throughout the house, I began mindlessly browsing through the internet just to keep myself distracted; although it hurt my eyes even more.

Just then I received a text from Natsumi inviting everyone to a get together the next day to celebrating Endou returning safe and sound. As happy as I was that Endou was alright, I couldn't find it in me to be there especially since I knew you would be there too.

"I'm sorry Natsumi but is it okay if I skip this?" I texted her back.

"No! What are you saying? You have to be there Kira." She immediately responded.

" I just can't." I urged again.

"Please Kira. Please, for me? We would all miss you if you didn't come."

"Ok fine. I will be there." I finally gave in with a sigh.

...

By the time I reached Endou's place some of our old friends were already there. Aki and Haruna spotted me and reached over to welcome me enthusiastically. I smiled faintly in response. They then looked around me as if searching for someone.

"Gouenji isn't with you?" They asked.

I didn't know what to tell them. I didn't have the energy to explain it nor did I want it mentioned so I just shook my head and before they could inquire further I began walking, making them accompany me.

I took a spot in a corner and continued standing there for most of the evening. I had a small conversation with Natsumi and Endou where I conveyed how happy I was that Endou was safe and Natsumi thanked me for not skipping the party. Aki and Haruna kept me company for the most part although they were the ones that continued the conversation and I occasionally contributed a word or two.

I must have been there for about half an hour pretty much lost in my thoughts half paying attention to my surroundings when I suddenly noticed Endou look enthusiastically in a direction. I traced his gaze and as I expected, there you were, walking in, finding your way through the group of people. My heart skipped a beat except for this time it was because of nervousness. Before you could look around and spot me Endou walked over to you and engaged you in a conversation.

I sighed in relief. I was safe from facing you for the time being. I hoped you kept busy and didn't look at me. I maintained my gaze at you just to make sure I wouldn't end up accidentally bumping into you at some point.

You could only be busy for so long before your eyes finally fell on me. My heart skipped a beat again as your gaze pierced through me but I maintained composure. I couldn't decipher your expression entirely but there was definitely a hint of disappointment and distraughtness to it.

Suddenly I felt like I could no longer stand being there. I thought I could do this for the sake of my friends but it turned out I couldn't. I couldn't just stand there while you looked at me with eyes full of expectations. I quickly found Natsumi, made some excuse about not feeling well and rushed out of there. As I walked out I quickly glanced behind and found you watching me leave with even more disappointment than before.

I returned home and closed the door with a loud bang. I leaned against it as I took deep breaths to calm myself. I realized I couldn't think clearly as long as I was in this place where every nook and corner reminded me of you. In one quick motion, I picked my phone and dialed a number.

"Hey, mom I'm coming there tomorrow... no everything's alright I'm just missing you."