Tracing Memories

46: I d o l

Muffled tune of the newest song of my favorite idol reached me, and then it became clear and shrill as I returned to consciousness. I annoyedly turned to my phone and looked at it through squinted eyes. When did I set an alarm, I thought. I turned and closed my eyes again but it was too late to go back to sleep again. My sleepiness had already evaporated away. I decided to go out and clear my head. Despite not being a fan of mornings I felt like it was much required.

In an hour, I sat at a table in a cafe, my hands absentmindedly holding the cup of tea I occasionally sipped from. The things I was thinking the previous night were returning once again, the confusion, the sadness and everything else I had been feeling lately.

I remained seated in the cafe a while after finishing my tea, looking outside at the buzz of the sidewalk from the peaceful insides of the cafe. For a while, my focus was completely shifted from my own woes to some people-watching. The pale yellow sunshine reflected every once in a while off the roof of a passing car making it shimmer momentarily. For some reason it made me smile.

With every moment I spent there I pushed my thoughts away further and further into a corner of my mind. The sunlight eventually began piercing in through the huge glass window I was next to, warming up my face. I continued to watch the street for another couple of hours. I ordered another tea and something to eat as I looked outside feeling disconnected from it all.

When I returned home, I immediately threw myself into making some art. I drew whenever I needed some peace and calm. As I drew, I forced myself to concentrate only on my work instead of anything else, trying my best to keep the worrying thoughts from resurfacing. I kept working for hours trying to focus on the task ahead in an effort to keep a clear mind as long as possible.

But eventually, my thoughts came back again.