kill your mind: joshler

fourteen : it's me suspended in a defenseless test

they got back a little late since they had spent all the time they had at the cliff, legs dangling and words floating through their lips.

“i” tyler said when he and josh were standing in front of his door, “thank you for the night”

“thank you for coming, tyler” josh whispered and the light on the porch made his brown eyes look gold.

“cheesy” tyler muttered, looking down at his finger.

“do you” josh began and this time he was closer to tyler, “do you wanna do something tomorrow?”

“okay” tyler said quickly and it was so awkward but then josh was smiling and bringing his hands to softly touch tyler's cheek like he did early that evening.

“you're beautiful, tyler” he whispered softly, his face was warm and his lips looked extra plump with the faint glow of the light and then there was a flash of something in his eyes, hurt, withdrawal as he removed his finger from tyler's cheek as if the contact burned him.

“but i'm not - i can't” josh was choking out the words, trying to desperately tell tyler something that the younger boy just wasn't seeing.

tyler wanted to see. he wanted to understand. for one, he knew josh was in pain and uncertain but he wanted to know why. tyler had never felt more interested in a person than he was at the moment but darn it, josh was so cryptic, mysterious.

even at their time at the cliff, tyler noticed josh chose his words delicately so as to not let anything slip but he wanted to tell josh it was okay and he could trust tyler however, tyler wasn't so good with talking much less emotions.

“josh” tyler wanted to say tell me what's wrong but he stopped when josh pulled back.

“good night, tyler” and josh was off to his house across the street.

tyler let a breath escape his lips as he dejectedly pushed his own door open. he noticed it was already around nine, ten, deep into the darkness and that was when tyler found cheetah sleeping on the couch, remembering he had a cat.

then he saw the kitchen sink, glistening in all its glory and all tyler could see was blood splattered all over it's shining steel surface.

his wrist itched on cue and he looked down at his hoodie covered hand and back to the kitchen where he saw a small knife sitting on the counter. his steps were light, almost silent as he walked on the floor board to the kitchen.

the knife felt heavy in his hands as he positioned his wrist over the steel kitchen sink. sliding the metal across his skin, he realized he couldn't even feel it. it wasn't enough anymore, the blades. now he needed something better, more dangerous.

looking out of the kitchen window and across to josh's house, he realized he knew the perfect tool.

but he couldn't do anything to hurt josh by making josh hurt him so he just stuck to blades and cigarettes, looking inside the kitchen sink to see an image with blood splattered all over her. his blood.

“hi mom” he whispered.