Alternate (Phan)

4*Warm hugs

Phil

The kid's nosy, I'll give him that, but he actually seems to be interested so I was quite willing to talk. Louise and I were so close to coming to a separation between us... stupid alcohol. I was just pissed off at the world. Why couldn't anything ever be right? What was the point of keeping me here if I was just to keep fucking up decision after decision?

I had, and have, some kind of mental disorder. It's never been diagnosed, because what's the fucking point in this world? But, I have these periods where I'm appreciative of everything and want to live every second of it...and then I have the other times when I'm unbearably self-destructive and can't stand to live anymore. They're getting better. It didn't stop me from restricting myself that drunk night though. I have no control over the destruction when I'm drunk, that's why I drink.

Dan and I were still playing Crash Bandicoot until the early hours of the morning. That's when the screen cut out and would only flash images when I hit it repeatedly.

Simple things like this that bring-out rage and cause me to switch, I started beating the play tablet with all my might, finally taking a breath and turning round to see a very startled and traumatised-looking Dan.

'Fuck...I'm so sorry...' I mumbled. He stood up, I stepped back so he could leave out the door, but instead he just wrapped his arms around me. I froze at first, but then let myself relax into the embrace and took his body in my arms as well.

'The only thing that needs to apologise is this world for bringing you into it. I'm broken, you're broken...it's just this universe. It sucks, but as my mum once said, the reason is love, love brings you through this world. Love lets you exist happily.' I backed away, my wrists aching from beating the tablet. He took my hands in his and started rubbing my hands. It relieved the pain from my arms, but not anywhere else.

I heard my kid start to stir, so I made my way over to Ev's room.

'Uh, we have a spare room around the side there if you want to stay the night,' I directed my head towards Dan. He pierced his lips and nodded. I cradled Ev and brought him out into the primary room, where Dan was packing the game away.

'Mate, you don't need to do that, I was the one who broke it.' I sighed. Dan stood up again, turning towards my cradling body. Dan was right, love does keep you in this world. My love for this kid, no matter how stupid I was to have him, was endless. I felt Dan's presence beside me as he watched Ev sink off into sleep.

'Can I-?' Dan gestured his arms towards my baby. I smiled gently, passing out my arms, to which Dan gracefully took the child. He looked so natural embracing Ev, they looked gorgeous. Dan swayed his body side to side, his breathing matching Ev's rhythm as his thumb caressed his hair. His strong, masculine figure seeming too harsh to be cradling a child so beautifully and warmly. He turned to me, noticing me watching him, smiling contently at me.

'Have you ever had a kid?' I began. He just shook his head. 'You're a natural.'

'One day, maybe... I understand why someone would want this, though.' He hushed the wriggling child.

'You've got to stay alive for that.' I noticed a tear beginning to form in Dan's eye. I reached out for Ev, letting the small, warm body return to my arms. He settled back down into his hammock almost instantly. Again, I turned round to Dan. I felt his eyes dart over my face.

'Night Phil.'

'Night Dan.'

And to think that boy could have been dead right now.