Alternate (Phan)

59*Burnt out

February 2019

Phil

I'd held on. Not for me, but for Ev. He's nine and a half now, which amazes me. I struggle to believe I could raise something so important for so long without killing them off, especially on my own.

But so much about him reminded me of Dan. Everything from the way he spoke to the way he dealt with me when I'd lost myself into another universe. Every second I lived seemed to just take me further into a darkness I didn't know could lose any more light.

I almost felt like a struggle to him, as if my survival was now selfish. I thought grief was supposed to get easier by the day, but every breath I took, still seven years later, I thought about how Dan wasn't taking the breath with me. I'd become lost in my own body, not even aware of who I was anymore. I didn't know at the time that killing Dan would mean slowly killing myself for seven years.

It was like Dan's death was a shovel and a shovel doesn't build earth, it digs it. So every second I've continued to live, the hole of grief has been dug deeper. Now I'm so far in it there isn't even any light visible.

Ev's become like a carer for me. I was functioning up until a few months ago. By functioning I meant I could socialise with him and get him food. Now I can't even find it in myself to feed us.

'Dad, are you eating tonight?' Ev spoke softly. I turned over on the bed mats, shaking my head. I didn't even feel like I deserved to be called his dad.

'Not tonight.' I spoke with my voice hoarse from its lack of use. He nodded, turning away. I felt like that was my answer to food most nights. It was better that way; Ev had more to eat.

I took on the same activity Dan did when he got low: I started writing. But not in a diary way like he did, but letters. I wrote letters to Dan and Ev. I don't know if Ev will ever read them, but I hope he will. He can't understand everything right now, but I hope to have a way of explaining it to him when he does.

I stood up, my legs aching from the long rest, and left the tent.

'Where are you going?' Ev asked, seeing my movements.

'To see Dan.' I smiled. Ev knew it was fake, walking over to me and embracing my torso.

'Please be safe, don't be long.' he whispered. I nodded.

'I promise.' I whispered back, turning out of the building. We were living on the outskirts of Manchester, moving here after I carried Dan to the station to bury him. That's where I was headed. I never wanted to be far from him.

I spotted the familiar grave, the fifteen-minute journey almost so familiar I could do it in my sleep. I did once. I dreamt Dan was sitting on the gravestone I'd put up for him, the next thing I knew I was there. His stone was simple, engraved with 'Daniel Lester' and a star underneath. Anything people wanted to know about him could be found on his broadcasts.

That was nostalgic. Thinking about when we made those together. Our followers know about Dan's death, even the specifics. They didn't hate me like I wanted them to, instead, they told me to hang in there. Ironic, considering my thoughts.

'Hey, Dan.' I spoke softly with a smile on my face. When I was with Dan, I instantly became myself again. That's why I was here so often. Sometimes I continued speaking, but during times like this I just sat by him.

I felt my connector sound against my thigh, pulling it out.

Dad, come back it's been five hours.

So I stood up and walked away, 'Bye Dan, see you soon.'

I could still hear his voice, imagining his replies to things I sometimes told him. I think I've memorised every word from our broadcasts we filmed together when he was alive. Young, naïve, alive.

I threw myself back in the tent, rolling onto my side and pulling out Lion. I stroked the strands of his hairs, smiling as I put him down for the final time.

I turned on my camera, watching the light blink as it waited for my speech. I stared at my overgrown ginger hair, undyed since the day Dan passed.

'Hey, guys!' I beamed, but the viewers still saw through to the sadness, 'It's exactly seven years from this date. I want to say thank you for being with us the entire time, from the start to the end. But it's now goodbye internet, and goodbye guys.' I smiled, cutting off the camera in my usual way of pressing my hand against the screen. I set it to upload, heading outside and sitting against the wall. Short and sweet, that's what I heard.

I pulled the necklace I'd worn for seven years non stop: the metal heart with my name engraved on it. Dan's necklace. Dan's heart.

'I love you.' I whispered, squeezing the metal.

Hey Pj and Chris, look after Ev like you promised you would all those years ago, please. There's a box of letters, put it next to Dan and don't take Ev to the burial.

I rested my back against the wall, sitting against the bed of blue flowers I'd grown and tended to since Dan died, just like he'd started to do. I smiled, holding the heart in my right palm and bringing it to my wrists.

'I love you. I love you Dan. I love you Ev.' I whispered as my blood dyed the flowers crimson.

And for the last time, the sun shined.