Alternate (Phan)

56*I love you

Phil

Dan had been gone for fifteen minutes. He was heading to an old pharmacy stock to get my pills to sort out this mess I was in. I kept feeling as if the surfaces I'd built with Dan over the last few months to help me become stronger in my switches were dissolving every tear that slipped down my cheek.

I can't believe I hurt him again, and badly as well. It's okay, we'd just restart my recovery. We're strong, we can do this if we're together.

I checked with him so many times before he left to make sure he was safe.

'Dan, you have your belt on, don't you?'

'Yes Phil. I promise, I'm safe. I'll be back in this spot within two hours.' he spoke, kissing my forehead in reassurance.

'You have your knife?'

'Yes, and my g-gun...just in case.' he stuttered. I smiled, nodding.

'And you're taking Ev with you?'

'Yes. I don't want to upset you, but-'

'He's safer that way,' I nodded, 'I understand.'

He nodded back at me, smiling sadly. He pressed a final kiss to my lips, before brushing down the stairs.

'I love you!' he called up.

'Love you too!' I shouted back. The words brought a smile to my face in the midst of tears.

But I still felt as if he was unsafe. I don't know from who or what, but I had a bad feeling.

I sat shaking, biting my nails as more tears continued the stretch down the length of my face.

My thoughts returned to my family. All three of them gone in his hands. What would have happened if he didn't shoot them? Would they have still been alive to this day?

I hate questions like these because they're questions that belong to the universe and you can't get answers for them. And I can try and pretend that's fine, but sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it feels as if we need these answers for our sanity.

I'm slipping again. I feel it and I have nothing to grasp onto.

Dan killed my family. My parents. My brother.

I remember when I came back from hunting in the nearby field to feed us for our meal that night; I'd caught two rabbits which would have done us for days. By this point, we didn't realise the effect that eating meat could have on us, but I guess we'd never have found out. Not together, anyway. When I turned up at the house, a smile wide on my face as I imagined the pride they'd have for me, but then I saw the blue flowers. They were hardly blue, dyed with the crimson of their blood-

If I didn't go hunting, would Dan have shot me?

He took the lives of everything I knew! Surely some part of him would have stopped him from doing so beforehand if he didn't want to commit the act? Or did he choose to? He could have lied. Dan might have chosen to shoot my family for the thrill of using a gun. How could I fall for a man so basic?

He would have heard the last words of my parents I always so desperately wanted to know. Words that I should have heard when they passed from old age, not words he should have heard as he purposefully took their lives.

I was standing by this point. I saw the wall next to me, slamming my fists into the bricks, screaming out to nothing. Nobody could hear me. Nobody wanted to.

I looked down, blood flowing from my knuckles. But this is what I wanted and deserved.

Dan shot my family.

My family are dead because of Dan.

A part of me was conscious I'd switched. It had never happened before, but as I was marching down the stairs to catch up with Dan, something clicked.

It was fearful for me to realise this because I still had no control over my other side. I was just watching anger course through my veins as I helplessly dealt with the consequences over and over again.

But I was conscious.

I was out of the house, legs crashing against the floor as I looked around to figure where Dan would have gone.

But I wasn't strong enough to pull myself back. Every will I had to drag myself back into the building was working at my limbs, but failing. So I pulled out my connector.

Shoot me.

He promised years ago, that if I ever told him to shoot me, he would. And I'm watching my other side right now, no choice but to observe myself fall apart.

I'd prefer to be unconscious because now I feel responsible for my actions.

Phil, stay in the house, I love you.

I tried replying, tried going back into the house...but my good side felt as if it had been drained of ability by the anger of how he thought he had the fucking right to tell me what to do.

He destroyed my life. Took everything away.

I'd bitten my lip to blood. Metal in both my mouth and hand.

The gun I'd taken, firmly grasped in my palm.

I saw two figures in the distance, hurrying my legs to catch them up. I recognised the pair of curly nests placed on their heads.

Dan had his connector out, desperately slamming the screen for whatever reason. He looked back, probably feeling my presence. His face dropped in fear and desperation.

'Phil...please let go of the gun.' he'd moved in front of Ev, hands out in an attempt to reach through to me.

I wanted to keep the gun by my side, but I wasn't there enough. And then it was in front of me.

'Trust me Phil, please.' his face had reddened, eyes puffy as a tear slipped past his cheek.

'Please shoot me, Dan.' I whimpered. He stared at me in a state of shock.

'Phil, you're here. Please just drop the gun and I can help.'

'I can't,' I whispered. I felt my face relax, seeing the dread appear on Dan's face as well. I spoke, but my voice sounded different: rougher, more emotionless, 'You shot everything I had.'

'You don't understand-'

'THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO UNDERSTAND!' I screamed, face tense with rage, 'If I was there, would you have shot me?' I spoke, voice solemn of emotion. He seemed to realise this, to contemplate my question, 'WOULD YOU?' And Dan can't lie. His head slowly nodded, barely visible in its motion.

'I love you.' Dan whispered, dropping the gun he had in his belt off to the side, signalling he wouldn't shoot. He'd vowed to himself not to shoot anyone ever again, so instead put himself out there to die in the hands of his greatest fear, 'I love you Phil, I love you Ev, my baby...'

Tears started reaching his eyes rapidly. His body shaking with fear.

I glared at the gun pointed towards him in my fists.

He should have listened. He should have taken me when he had the chance.

Don't, I whispered to myself.

But the bullet rang out.