Alternate (Phan)

51*Everyone

Phil

I can't do this. I can't do this to me. I can't to this to Dan. I can't to this to Ev. I can't to this to any of my fucking followers. I'm breaking down and they're all just having to watch.

Of course I've noticed. I feel it in my head, my voice that creeps up on me and tells me things inside my own mind. You'd thought I'd at least have control over what I told myself, wouldn't you? Not anymore. So of course I've noticed because I see the aftermath. I see the reactions in other people around me.

Of course Dan's noticed. He deals with me all the time. I wish he didn't, but I can't say I don't know why he does. Because, if we swapped positions, I'd be doing just the same thing for him. But it doesn't mean he should have to cope with the physical and emotional abuse my other side brings along with me. Traditional marriage vows tell you to stick by each other in sickness and in health, but that was pretty vague. Abuse is a form of sickness if the reasons are due to the person's mental state, but that doesn't make it alright. Dan and I haven't even referred to my good side as the main 'me' anymore, because we both know that evil Phil is around more these days. They're two sides of me now, and ones being watched as it fails.

Of course Ev's noticed. He might only be twenty-two months but that doesn't stop him from realising 'daddy's angry'. It breaks me when he recognises that look that comes with my switch and how he knows to instantly go and tell Dan, then hide. He shouldn't deal with my switch once, let alone deal with them so often he has a routine of how to help the three of us in such situations. I don't deserve him and I'd be truly sick in the head if I thought I did. I don't deserve anyone.

Of course mine and Dan's followers have noticed. They've seen Dan disappear for months with no explanation for why. They've seen failed attempts of covering up bruises. They've seen us break down in our live broadcasts which become more infrequent every time we go out live. And they can't do anything but watch us collapse. They're watching us fail.

That's why Dan and I are here, in front of the camera with a rough script jotted on our connectors to help us through this.

'Hey guys,' I began, the light expression that I normally start my broadcasts with devoid from my face, 'We need to do this for both you, us and Ev. Um, please just hang in for this because neither of us will be able to edit it and we haven't trained Ev up to yet, either,' Dan and I both snickered at my words, 'But it's only fair for all of us if we say this.'

'We're both...struggling,' Dan spoke, 'And there's a fine line between managing with a struggle and collapsing under it,' he chuckled to himself to cope with his words, 'And we lost the fucking line. We can't see the line anymore because we've tried redrawing it so many times for the other that it seems as if we're just trying to make excuses to cope.'

'I've...we've struggled with mental switches for years now, as I'm sure many of you have as well. Because, existing in life at this point in time seems to inevitably come with these issues. Dan gets depressed and I get abu-ab-ab...'

'Phil gets angry,' I closed my eyes, trying to block out the world, 'We've not said anything directly to you guys about this because it's not your issue to deal with, but it seems to be that you know without our words anyway. We don't want any theories made about this, any attempts at putting together evidence or any opinions you have to this subject because it hurts. It hurts me, it hurts Phil and it won't be soon before it hurts Ev.' he didn't mean it like this, but it almost seemed as if you could replace 'it' with Phil, and those sentences would still make sense, 'So, we're telling you this because we feel as if we're hiding from you, denying what's happening. But, we're not. We don't want to teach you guys that this is-' his voice broke, I looked up to see tears fall down from his eyes, no matter what he tried hiding.

'We're sharing this because what is happening isn't something we should be teaching you guys to hide. This shouldn't be hidden.'

'It's neither of our faults, it's our mental states and that's not something that can be blamed on either of us. We mentioned that I get depressed and Phil gets angry.'

'For me, it's as if I become a different person. I still remember what I do when I switch and I'm not trying to hide the fact that I still did what my switch did because we're both still Phil. But when I come back to how I am now and remember what I did, I feel unbelievably guilty.'

'Again, we're asking you to speak nothing of this or see us any differently. What happens is to stay between me and Phil, and what does happen isn't the Phil you guys know. Please, see him as a different person because they are so different and this Phil is so wonderful and I love him so much-' shit, I slipped up, 'he doesn't deserve any hate whatsoever. You wouldn't hate on someone because they have depression, and this is just another form of that. Phil gets abusive. The bruises you guys have seen and my weird behaviour online is because of the way his switch reacts. We're dealing with it, but you guys...we wanted to tell you.'

I went to speak, but instead of words came tears. Dan placed his hand on my knee, subtly supporting me.

'Thanks guys.' I whispered, looking to the camera for a brief second.

And that's where we cut it.

***

I'd found myself on the roof of the building, hanging my legs over the side.

What was I to anyone?

Dan should hate me.

Ev is scared of me.

All our followers probably think I'm a monster.

I looked down.

'Phil?!' Dan cried as he slipped through the window. I shuffled forward, 'Phil. I'm here...'

'Everyone should hate me.'

'But they don't!'

'They should!' I spat, 'Like I do myself.'

'If you jump, I jump.' his voice sounded so confident of his decision. I turned round to see him holding one foot off of the roof.

'Dan, please-'

'Come back to me then.'

'I can't do this Dan! I hate myself and I don't understand why no one else does. There is nothing good about me.'

'What isn't good, Phil?'

'Pull your leg back in.' he did, 'I'm abusive. I'm unreliable. I'm overweight on supplies we don't even have to spare. I'm a nuisance. I'm a monster!'

He started crying, walking towards me. Dan settled by my side, grabbing my waist and pulling me into himself.

'Never think those things again. I'm here so you don't need to. You're wonderful, you're handsome, you deserve everything and everyone loves you and still loves you,' he sighed, 'This is just a switch. You'll come back round. Please, get inside and take a tablet.'

'I've ran out of pills.'