Alternate (Phan)

58*Never again

Phil

The same second the bullet rang out, I switched back. Fully this time; I was me.

I lost all sense of movement as I threw myself towards Dan's body. I knelt by his side, grief spilling through every one of my movements.

He was smiling as he looked at me. It was almost as if he was content. I don't know with what, but I hope that whatever he's recollecting through his life, he's happy with all of it. I don't want him to remember any of the negativity, I just want him to live on with the good moments. That's what he deserves. That's what he's always deserved, and I hope even in his last moments he realises that.

He could have had more good moments, but I'd taken away any of those chances. We'd never kiss again, we'd never laugh together, we'd never watch the sun, we'd never talk about stars, we'd never make love again, we'd never broadcast together, we'd never watch Ev grow up side by side, we'd never fall asleep in the other's arms, we'd never sit in a room simply hugging each other and we'd never tell each other 'I love you' again. Because I'd taken all that away from him. So we'd never 'ever' together again. Because I was watching my husband die.

'I'm sorry.' I whispered.

I held my fingers to his neck, grasping onto any last pulse, but the gut feeling I had told me the truth. It was as if in my soul I'd lost something, something I wasn't supposed to lose.

There was one more beat, then cold shivered through my fingers.

My chest ached, my entire body collapsing under itself as I drained every tear I had through my eyes in a heart-wrenching cry. I was crying for him. I was crying out for him to return.

'Dan...' I sobbed through my wreck. I picked his upper body up into my arms, connecting our chests together in our final embrace. But he wouldn't know that, because he's dead.

I stood up, cradling his body in my arms as I did so.

'Where are we going?' Ev asked.

'Back to the house.' because without Dan, it certainly wasn't a home.

In writing and films, that's where it cuts. You assume they move on from that first stage of because they seem to be alright next. But it isn't like that. I was aware of every step and every breath Dan didn't take as I carried his body back. It was the longest journey of my life.

Longer than mine and Dan's journey down the M1 that time...

Ev knew not to speak until we reached the house. I probably wouldn't have a response for whatever question he was to ask, anyway.

I placed Dan's body...

I placed Dan in the first room of the building. I looked down at my chest, realising I was covered with his blood. It was far from disguising; it was sorrowful and beautiful. But every part of Dan is beautiful.

I looked away from my chest, staring at his closed eyes and the way his fringe had fallen past his eye. I slipped it around his ear, tucking it with my fingers. He looked as if he was sleeping. I guess he was, but death isn't beautiful.

I already knew where I'd let him rest because I didn't want to dump his body somewhere nearby as if our life together meant nothing to me. I wanted us to spend our last moments together in the place we first met.

I was taking Dan back to Manchester train station.

I glanced back at his body, kneeling by his side as I listened to Ev sniffle. I was still crying, but not in that same mournful tune that spread throughout a city, this time it was silent and personal. Tears tricked down my face as I stroked his cheek, moving my fingers to his neck.

That's when I caught something, noticing a small shred of string wrapped around his neck. I gripped it, pulling it over his t-shirt.

In my hand was the metal heart he'd kept from all those years ago, engraved with 'Phil'.

That same scrap I'd wanted him to throw out the same day he engraved it was now no longer a joke, but the closest thing I felt I had to him.

Here I was, where Dan wasn't.