Alternate (Phan)

57*I'm sorry

Dan

I stood there, holding my hands out in front of me. I thought of everything and everyone I'd come to love, knowing it was all to slip away in an instant.

I wouldn't shoot him, and I think deep down he knew that too. So instead I'd let myself face my greatest fear in a literal sense as I stood opposite it. Face to face with the weapon I'd grown to loathe.

Everything about it from the metal barrel to the sound that signalled death, was terrifying. You'd thought he'd at least stab me instead of take everything away from me with something he knew caused me terror.

I'd decided from very little I'd never break a promise, but there was one I wouldn't be able to fulfil. I promised Phil within two hours I'd be back in that spot in the house.

And I'm sorry I've broken it Phil.

He looked beautiful. The blue in his eyes to his skin that was glowing in the sunset. Nothing of any action could ever change my mind of that.

It's as if I was remembering every joke, every word and every kiss we'd ever shared within a few seconds. And I thank whatever God is up there for that, because as the final tear I would weep left my eyelid I had a smile on my face. The life I lived was a life I was taught to love, by Phil himself.

After twenty-one years of telling myself I hated me, I could now say - thanks to Phil - I love who I am, I love my life and I love who I could have been. But now the life I loved was presented to me in the form of a bullet.

'I love you.' the lump in my throat spoke out.

'I love you Phil.' the heart he'd taught me to share whispered.

'I love you Ev.' the child I'd been gifted and raised stood behind me. I wanted everything in me to go to protecting him in his future. I wouldn't see him grow up. Not anymore. That's okay.

I felt his little hand press against my back, 'I love you Dadda.' words too faint to barely hear whispered out.

'My baby...' my smile grew.

A force pulled me backwards, eyes staring at the grass I laid on. The whiteness of it was beautiful. But Phil was unbeatable.

My chest ached, but no more than a poke.

There was an overwhelming sense of tiredness that engulfed my body, telling me to rest. I wanted to let it hug me, to take away my breaths that became harder to breathe.

I saw Phil by my side, disbelief, sadness, anger and love reaching out to me through his eyes. I saw his mouth move, but let the blanket settle down on me, not wanting to hear the words he was set out to say:

'I'm sorry.'