Alternate (Phan)

31*Camp

Phil

Dan's head rested on my shoulder, my own head resting on top of his, with Ev between our legs, sleeping. It was nice in all this world's shit to get somewhat of a rest, no matter how short that may be.

'Phil, I can't do this.' Dan whispered, my heart pressing against my chest as he did so.

'What do you mean?' I asked, rinsing my fingers through his hair, that was in much need for a wash. However, through every storm and every flood we'd been through, emotionally and physically, this was alright. We were alright.

'This.' he mumbled, shaking his head, continuing after a pause, 'I can't breathe. It's shit after shit after shit in this world. It's as if the entire thing is built to bring us down, destroy us and leave us as a decomposing corpse somewhere on the Earth's surface. Phil, I love you and would give you every star that ever existed it that was physically possible, but frankly, it's not. That's not okay. You don't understand the lengths I'd go to pull you out of your own mess, I know you don't. You somewhat understand, but you can never fully understand-'

'Dan, I do. I'm so fucking tired of you feeling worthless. It's draining. I do understand because when you were gone for those months, I wasn't existing. I didn't know how to and I didn't want to. I feel as if my entire life's point up until that October we met in 2009 was just a build-up to meet you. That's how much you mean to me because I don't see another point of my life apart from you. Hell, I don't even know how I lived without you. I didn't, really-'

'Phil, you don't understand. I'm telling you that you don't because you've had people mean things to you. You've had your entire family, but my family was a corrupt mess that I never understood how to love them. I know my parents loved me, but I couldn't love them. I have my entire heart, unused and whole to give you and Ev, no one else has ever had a piece of it-'

'You don't share a heart out in chunks. I did and do love my family, they meant the world to me, when they were alive. Of course they did. But me having a love for them doesn't mean I've got less love you give you, it just means I have something to compare my love for you with. That's how I know you're the one because I wanted to spend time apart from my family, I wanted them to leave me alone most of the time. But with you, I'd have you in my arms until the day I die. I will never leave you. I was a self-destructive piece of shit until I found you, something you'll never know. I was an awful person-'

'Lies. Not you. The way you act now, the pain you feel towards Ev and me, a person like you could never be awful. You're the fucking sun, Lester. Deny that and I'll deny your fucking mother, okay?' we chuckled together, facing the stars in the night sky, 'I've lied to you, I just realised.'

'What?'

'You're not the fucking sun. The sun abandons parts of the world constantly, leaving one part of the world to brighten up another. You're not the fucking sun, because you manage to light up the entire world constantly. You never leave one thing for the other, instead you chase the dark parts down and shine a light on them that will never go dull.'

'Shut up.' I whispered, facing towards him. I took his wrist in my hand, his body flinching, 'Shit, does that-' he nodded, looking down as if to be ashamed, 'Dan, don't look like that. None of this is- why did you leave in the first place, from our camp?' he sighed.

'I just wanted space, but then a man trapped me and dragged me out. I didn't walk away far.'

'You're an idiot.' I chuckled, shaking my head in disbelief.

'An idiot, really Phil? After being tied up for three fucking months? There's not a single part of my body that isn't screaming that it's in pain right now, and I'm the idiot?'