I'm trying to help

school

So school starts tomorrow, i really don't want to go back.

I'm really worried i'm going to get even worse than i already am, i hope i don't. I'm worried about if i'll be able to concentrate, I'm worried about if i'll understand the work and how well i'm going to do in the exams.

I'm worried about what the teachers might do because they found out that i self-harm. I'm worried about which teachers i'm going to have.

Basically i'm worried about everything that might happen.

In my school we are not allowed bright hair colours, so i've had to strip my pink and purple hair. It went orange, pink and brown, i then dyed it red and it didn't work. So i'll have to dye it again this weekend.

The teachers better not complain, at least it isn't as bright as it was.

It's mad to think that i've only got about 20 weeks left in school, all together. I feel too young to leave school.

Might as well put how school went on this page as there isn't much.

First day of year 11.

i was so nervous about what could happen, of course all my thought were negative as usual.

i met a couple of friends in my form and waited to see who we had for form, luckily we have the same teacher as last year and the year before.

we all love her.

i guess the first week of school was okay apart from getting told off about my hair being too bright. apparently bright hair or dyed hair affects your learning. So does they dye tell your brain to stop working or something?

Mark asked me to be friends. i said no, i don't see a reason to be friends or to even talk, he turned everyone against me and basically made my depression worse, i'm not saying that it's entirely his fault alone that my depression has gotten worse, there are many other reason.

I've now got to take sleeping tablets because i can never get to sleep and once i do i keep waking up because of the nightmares, the tablets are working so far, i'm getting more sleep which is good. I've also got to take omega 3 capsules, can't remember the reason but mum thinks it might help with my depression.

I don't think they're working for me at the moment. I've gone back to acting again.

It's horrible knowing that someone thinks you're getting better but you're actually not , you're just getting better at hiding it.

Yes, i have a couple of good days but they aren't very often, most of my days are depressing.

the teachers still haven't said anything about getting me help, which i'm glad of. they're more focused on my hair.

I don't see how hair colour is more important than having a mental illness.

I'm glad  that she hasn't said anything about it, yes i want to get better but i don't really want to talk to someone in school because there's a chance of the person telling the teachers things and i don't really want the teachers knowing things. I probably wouldn't even tell the person who supposed to help.

the teachers expect me to dye my hair back brown, i haven't had brown hair for about 2 years. I've had red hair for 2 years and they have never said anything about it, so why should they now?

They say they want us to be our own person but they're not letting us. They want us to all look the same. Natural hair, no piercings, no bracelets, no necklaces, a plain ring, uniform.

I don't see how any of these will affect our learning, it's not going to mess with our brains.

i already hate school!

Josh has helped so much already, he's told me about a song he listens to and it really helps me get through the day.

i never thought i could ever love someone so much but not too much. i love Josh as a best friend, the bestest friend ever.

He's the one that is always there for me, he tries so much to cheer me up. The only thing i don't like the that there is a 5 hour different between us. He's in the USA and i'm in the UK. he's 5 hours behind me.

He's the one that i get excited to talk to, he makes me really happy even on my worst days.

sorry this update thing has taken so long, i've been writing this for  a couple of days as i haven't had the motivation to finish this so I've done a bit of everything.

if anyone ever needs someone to talk to i'm always here and happy to help you as much as i can.

Stay Strong Beautiful People ♡♥ I love you all :)