I'm trying to help

Depression

Depression...

Some people are lucky that they don't have to go through it. But some are unlucky.

Depression makes you feel like you're always alone, like nobody loves or cares for you. It makes you feel horrible all the time. You over react over silly little things like homework ect...

Depression can happen to anyone. I never thought i would get it, i was a really happy girl when i was younger. My depression started about a year ago.

i made friends with a girl called Sophie (not her real name btw) who i thought was my best friend. We done everything together. We went out almost every single day, we had planned to get matching tattoos when we were older, we were going to get little birds to go on our wrists with our names underneath.

But that all changed once she had got a boyfriend. She didn't speak to me at all. The only time she did was when they were arguing. When me and Sophie wasn't talking, i had no friends at all. None that i was close to. So i was all alone, i didn't  go out the house unless i had to go to school or i was made to go out. i stayed in my room, didn't eat, didn't speak to anyone apart from my mum when she needed me to, all i did was read. I read loads of books on Wattpad. I was always on my laptop. I had no one to talk to.

While this was going on i also had many brake downs where i would cry for hours on end. Then the one day Sophie's boyfriend broke up with her and she blamed it on me. We were arguing for hours. She told me to go and die, to slit my wrists, that she never actually liked me.

That really hurt  me, i couldn't believe what i was reading (she would never argue in person so she would argue over bbm or Facebook). She blamed me for everything, i didn't know what to say.

A couple of weeks before that i started to make friends with her old friends. i was already friends with them but i started to get  closer to them. But after the argument she turned everyone against me so now i was really alone. I had no one.

That was the first day i cut myself. At first i freaked out and didn't know what i was doing, but after the 1st cut i couldn't stop. I'm not going to go into detail but there was quite a lot. It made me feel better, it felt  like i was doing something right. i had done it on my arm in the middle of summer. I didn't think about how i was going to hide them.

The day after, Sophie spoke to me on Facebook saying that she can't live without me and that she needed me. So me being me decide to forgive her. I've never been one to hold a grudge. I didn't  tell her that i had done what she had wanted me to do. i wore my jacket in the middle of summer to cover the scars. Luckily she didn't ask why i was wearing a jacket. Nobody else did either, including my family.

i had thought that we would go back to normal within a couple of weeks. i was so wrong, we were never the same again. She always argued with me over everything. i had become addicted to self harm, i felt like i needed to punish myself because i was a horrible friend, i felt like what she was telling me was true. These arguments were happening every single day so i was doing it every day.

We don't talk anymore, we might say the odd hello but thats about it. She knows i cut thanks to a 'friend' but nobody knows the reason i started.

i'm still cutting now but i'm not as bad as i once was, yes, i'm still addicted to it but i'm not doing as many. i was clean from cutting for about 2 months, i still had the urges to do it but i managed to control myself. But then one day i had a massive argument with both my friends and family over two different things and i didn't know how to cope so i done the one thing that felt right to do. I done it again.

i can feel that it's starting to get worse again because i'm under a lot of stress and worry. i have had exams the last month maybe more and i'm finding it hard to concentrate and i have a lack of motivation to do anything.

I'm in top sets in school which means they expect us to do really well so they push us to try and do our best. i get really mad at myself when i can't do something. i really do want to revise and do well in my exams but i just can't concentrate. i have this image of me sitting at a desk with books and highlighters and writing down notes from books. That's how i want to be, i want to be able to revise.

i have been to the doctors and they have said that i have depression. Just to let you all know i'm not making all this up.

Depression can happen to anyone. So in the future be careful what you say to people, you don't know how they will take it. You could just be joking, but it can still hurt  them. I don't want anyone to go through what i'm going through. Even the people i may not like, i would never wish it on anyone. If i was asked would you want to get better and let a friend have it, would you get better?  the answer will always be no, i would gladly stay like this for the rest of my life instead of someone else to suffer from it.

Stay Strong Beautiful People <3 

i love you all <3  :)

 i'll always be here to answer question or to just listen and help you :)