I'm trying to help

Hating everything

do you ever have those days where you just hate everything? You hate everything for no reason?

I've had over a week of this. My moods change really quickly, i could be really happy one second and the next  i could be really depressed.

i've started using fake smiles again. It's getting harder and harder to be happy.

The black dog i have with me is getting bigger and bigger and more vicious. He brings me down, he's not allowing me to be happy.

The parrot is getting louder and louder, it's getting harder to cover the cage. He's always there bringing me down with the words spoken, he keeps repeating the words that hurt. He shouts them.

The voices never stop, they're always there. they may be quiet but they're still there. It's hard to concentrate when the voices scream, sometimes it's the only thing i can hear. They scream the words that have been spoken and have hurt.

I'm hating everything lately, i'm hating people, school, sleeping, living, me....basically everything.

i'm finding it harder and harder to stay strong, i've tried to stop so many times the last couple of months, but i guess you could say i'm not strong enough.

For those of  you who have never self harmed you won't understand how hard it actually is to stop. You never will understand unless you've been in that position. You probably think it's stupid how someone cant stop hurting themselves, what if i put it like this..... it's like smoking, once you've got the habit of smoking every time you're bored or angry or something. It's the same as self harm, once you start doing something when you feel angry, upset or anything else, it's your way of coping. you get so used to doing that when you feel like that, it gets to a point where it is really hard to stop. You become addicted.

i had a letter the other day saying that i have to  go and see the councilor again on Wednesday. The woman is nice but i don't like talking to people i don't know, i don't like voicing how i feel. To type it is one thing but to actually say it is something else. i really don't want to go and see her.

i really don't want to go. I find it really awkward. i also feel really rude because when i talk to someone i can never look in the eyes, i cant even look at them, i look beside them or at the floor.

if you ever need to talk to anyone I'm always here and happy to help you in any way I can.

Stay Strong Beautiful People ♡♥ I love you all :)

this was typed on Monday but I haven't had the chance to upload it :)