neptune

101 15 19
                                    

a letter which should have been written long ago.

dear neptune,

hello. we haven't talked much
apart silent whispers of acknowledgement
but i know you see me. i see you too.

you ask me the same question
❝are you okay?❞
❝yes,❞ i say, the same answer
to the same question
which is asked everyday.

you smile, a little one
which lights up your face
and i move on a little happier,
knowing i've made your day.

how would you feel if you knew,
how i lied to you, neptune?
those utterances of yeses,
all bundles of tangled lies.

the truth is neptune,
i'm not sure if i'm okay.
i'm not sure if i'll ever be able
to say i'm okay, without adding
the bitter touch of a lie.

some days i feel too much,
others i feel too little, some days
nothing even piques my curiosity.

some days i am happy, others
i am sad, some even i feel
nothing but the numbness
of an aching wound.

so in all honesty neptune,
i don't know if i'm okay.
i'm stuck in this endless chasm
between terrible and good,
never too close to one side.
so if being okay means living
in this eternal agony, then perhaps,
i don't want to be okay.

sincerely,
she who pens these words

sincerely,she who pens these words

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