Bruises and Bitemarks

Chapter 19

/ winner of Ramsey's role... Jude Law.

Enjoy the chapter <3/

My life never really went downhill... ever.

There was no point of falling apart, I couldn't tell the date where everything just got fucked up and ruined forever. Things around me were never completely fine, it was their default to be broken. The people, the furniture the lives. Everything was shattered in pieces already before I even had the chance to see or touch them.

For that reason, I learned to live without wanting things. Without trying to keep someone close, or without being self-sacrificing or kind. I didn't have the luxury of irrational decisions out of love or other emotions.

Of course, most people think, that those like me don't even know the word 'emotional attachment', but that's not true. We know it, we just use a different term:

Suicide.

So yes, I was used to leaving things behind or hurting. I was used many times in my life and I've used people just as heartlessly as they did use me. I've learned to delete remorse from my list of capabilities.

So every time I ask myself "Am I over it?" I say yes. I was over it. It's been three weeks, and I haven't heard a word from the guy, who used all his strings to get me out of jail, and who just casually bought me a life.

I slowly approached my sofa with a drink in my hand and I collapsed onto the soft material. Everything was so comfortable in this apartment... I was rich. I had an enormous bedroom but I actually got used to falling asleep on the couch watching some bullshit movie with happy endings. If I'm not doing that at night, I'm out with Lucy and the others but, tonight I just wanted to be alone. My eyes rested upon my television, but I didn't acknowledge anything coming out of it. I felt so numb, and I guess my approaching drinking problems didn't help.

I felt empty. Funny thing is, I was always empty, which is a fact. I didn't have anything to give. But I never felt empty.

Oh but now... it was like someone shot me in the chest, and I had a huge gaping hole in there. Sucking in any and every impulse, just to fill it.

Am I over him?

Yes, I am. it's not because of him...

I slammed my glass onto the small table in front of the couch and ran my fingers through my hair. How to make it stop? How naive of me to stay alone with myself. It's been three weeks all by myself. I can pretend not to remember his smell, and I occasionally don't miss the pancakes when I burn my meals. Yeah, It's fine.

All I wanted to do with him, is to watch him drown somewhere... asshole.

I was trying to drink away my consciousness till' 11 pm, but after being remotely unsuccessful, I got up and left my apartment a bit tipsy.

I didn't bother changing: I wore my pyjama shorts the top to it and a huge ass coat. What else did I need?

I lived in one of the best parts of the city, any form of violence was very rare around here, so I wasn't that worried even if I was to care about my safety. I rushed down the stairs and stepped out to the street breathing in the cold night air.

I placed a cigarette between my lips and lighted it. I got back into that as well... I sighed; I'm a mess.

The skies were clear and filled with stars, but I just stared at them with such uninterest that I felt guilty. Things didn't look beautiful to me. It was like before. Everything tasted the same, and everything looked dull.

I silently walked down the empty street, observing the houses around me, the small gardens the side streets, until my eyes got stuck on one of the objects.

Well, I was sure it's an object for it was so unmoving, but I soon realised it had to be a human. And not any human... I smiled to myself for some reason, as I was staring at the man in the dark hoodie and the visible Phantom of the opera mask. He reminded me of someone I actually barely knew, but he was one hell of a guy I've met back on the streets. Eyes of a murderer, but lips of an angel.

By the time I was together with Jason so I didn't have any fun with him, and even if not for Jason, he was the kind of guy who either takes you home and makes you fall in love, or cuts you into small pieces and digs you a cute hole. I was unsure about which he desired to do with me, but I remember his eyes were so unsettled, intense.

The man was leaning against one of the side-street corners and didn't move, but when I stopped to take a better look at him, he smiled.

"Long time no see" He announced lifting his head slightly, and flashed me a lady-killer smile. I couldn't actually believe he was talking to me. What would he be doing here?

"It somehow concerns me that you still have that thing on." I replied after a while, not stepping closer to him. We weren't friends. We were mere strangers, who had a strange moment of... I don't even know what it was. Mutual interest. Years ago.

"You have pyjamas on." he pointed out in a mocking manner "I'm not the one to be worried about. Besides, will I have to shout to you the whole night?"

I smiled for some reason.

"What makes you think I will spend the night with a lunatic?" I chuckled tiredly, looking up to him. It felt like I knew him more than it was reasonable. I felt totally calm regardless of the situation. It was a little unreal since this person shouldn't even be here... or well, what are the odds?

"Well, I... I have candy" he flashed me a wolfish grin.

I rolled my eyes at him but regardless took a few steps closer to him, just because shouting was still not my favourite type of communication.

"They all want the candy" he sang amused, "I thought I saw people at their lowest, but I was wrong. Never seen a girl walking around in disturbingly childish pyjamas in the middle of the street." as he spoke he let his eyes sink to the level of my top, then dropped to my exposed legs.

"Yeah, let's say I could take a few candies right now." I laughed dryly, now standing right in front of him, giving myself a few seconds to admire his sharp jawline. That voice was so... familiar. While I was wondering what's so off about him, I felt the need to speak up again.

"In for a drink?" I asked casually as he smiled at me.

"You are willing to go into a bar like that, with me?" he asked in a doubting manner but I just nodded as if I didn't understand his concerns.

"Why not?" I winked as I turned away from him and approached the small side street. There was a jazz club not far from here and I was way too drunk to care about peoples' opinion.

I threw away my cigarette just as he replied.

"That's the spirit, alley-cat."

I froze... Oh no, I didn't just freeze there, I straight up had the shivers when I heard the nickname rolling off his tongue in an oh-so-well-known tone. I suddenly became overly careful and looked over my shoulders.

"What... what did you just call me?" I turned slowly back to him, but I had to realise he was standing right behind me so as I turned he easily grabbed me face and with one hand he palmed over my mouth, pushing me up against the wall.

"Way to blow a cover, huh? I'm sorry. I'm sure we would have a great night." Ramsey whispered into my ears. I struggled against him, trying to push him off of me, but he could easily hold me with one hand, pushing my back to the wall with his full weight.

I saw him looking for something in his pocket and I was terrified of even thinking about that he might find it.

"Okay, don't worry I know you're very bad at doing what people ask you to do... So I will be simple." he continued almost sounding amused, while he slowly took a cloth napkin into his hand and pushed it into my face.

"Breathe"