Bruises and Bitemarks

Chapter 21

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"Okay, Okay, let's try this again." his pleasant deep voice was so distant at this moment, that I wasn't exactly sure if I'm conscious or not. It all felt like a dream. A terrible dream. I didn't open my eyes, they have been shut for quite a long time now, but it didn't matter since I was blindfolded. Ramsey slowly removed the gag from my mouth and I gasped for air weakly. My lungs weren't determined enough to live anymore, so they didn't hurry to bring me oxygen. I was panting quietly, letting my head hang, held by only my collar.

"Let's start with something easy... Uhm..." he started off in an easy tone, probably thinking about a question similar to the ones he already asked me today... or yesterday. Or before that. I'm not really sure how long I've been here.

My stomach turned, and I forced myself to remind myself of something that has happened before this... Yes, I was... I was out with Lucy. I had ice cream? Was it ice cream? Yes, it was... It should be, I like ice cream, don't I? 

Or were it pancakes? 

My mind felt like a mess, and the worst of all was that I really couldn't tell the difference between my dreams, my hallucinations, and reality. I guess that's normal if you have to consume drugs with every meal. 

"Who took your virginity?" he asked casually reaping me from my thoughts. I still shivered each time he opened his mouth... Or maybe I was just shaking in general. 

"I... I was very drunk. I do-don't know." I whispered with all my might, just so I wouldn't need to repeat. 

"That's booooring. I thought your father raped you or something exciting..." he whined and sighed deeply as if I was a let down for him. I heard a few steps and I started to wiggle in place, but he didn't do anything to me. I felt so helpless, seeing nothing, unable to move. I hated it, but this way at least he didn't see when I cried.

"Regardless, that was good. I'm very proud, alley-cat you are doing much better than in the last row." he complimented me, which left me feeling relieved... It was sickening to watch my reactions being reprogrammed and I couldn't even do anything about him. Like a god damn dog. I felt afraid when he was angry and I felt relieved and safe when he said he is satisfied. 

I don't think I would be able to pinpoint when did my mind and unconscious give into his tricks, but I feel like it was right around that... 

That pancake. 

I started crying when I thought back to that event... But now I knew torture doesn't always hurt in the traditional manner. Sometimes you just start to hate yourself so much, you would rather not be alive. And even though the things that happened to me here all seems like one big blurry nightmare... that night is surprisingly clear. I still remember every... everything. And I know for a fact that I've enjoyed it...

I think I will throw up.

 Did I give up? 

No, of course, I did not. I can't. Or can I? What am I actually torturing myself for? For my pride? I have so many scars on my back I can't count them, I was technically not, but in reality kind of sexually harassed, and... raped.

 It was rape. Me letting him do all that doesn't mean that... I was drugged. It's not fair. I wasn't... 

"You are crying again?" His voice held worry, or more like confusion. He obviously did not understand why am I crying when I finally wasn't hurt. I couldn't control my sobbing though. I pushed my tights together from the sickening memory and my shaking got stronger as I felt him staring at me.