Trapped

Dylan

I watched her as she walked away. Yue. 

My Yue...

I called her name multiple times but not once did she turn around nor stopped. She just kept walking in that slow steady pace until she was out of my sight.

That blank cesspool of browns that stared at me as she said goodbye will forever haunt me. They used to be full of life. I remember how they sparkle everytime she laughs. How they glint with mischief as she is planning to do something ridiculous. How they stare at him full of admiration. But just now, they were dead as a burnt log. As cold as ice. Devoid of any emotion.

I am very well aware of her feelings for me. I know that she loves me more than a friend. I was actually surprised when she told me that recently. I always thought she had gotten over her feelings for me. She has been just a friend for me over the years. She hasn't confessed her feelings for me again after that last time that I laughed at her when she said that she loves me as more than a friend. I know I shouldn't have laughed but I can't help it. She was drunk that night. And she looked so ridiculous kneeling down in front of me holding a bouquet. So I thought she had gotten over me.

I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to say it's okay. That it doesn't matter if I will get married. She will still have me. I will still be her best friend. I am still her Dylan. I am still the Dylan who cared for her all these years.

I wanted to tell her I am sorry. Repeatedly tell her I'm sorry until I am hoarse and can't talk anymore. And if my voice fails me, I will grovel on my knees. Until she understands that the last thing I want to do is to hurt her. Until she forgives me. Until I have my best friend back. Until I have my Yue back.

I know I don't deserve her forgiveness. I don't deserve her. Period. Yue is . And I am lucky that she is in my life. Or was. I don't even know if I will see her again after what I told her tonight.

I thought it's best to tell her about my recent engagement personally. It would be too impersonal if I just told her over the phone. Or if I send her a message. We are best friends after all. We are used to telling each other everything. And we promised each other no secrets. And we will not listen to rumors or hearsays. We will only believe in each other. That's how our friendship lasted that long.

Okay. I am nuts but I really wanted to see her. That's why I asked that we meet. I am actually expecting that she will ignore my call. And I'm 100% sure that she will not agree to meeting me. I was genuinely surprised when she answered her phone. Much more that she agreed to see me. I have been missing her so much the past few months. Since I have been back from Barcelona, I have only seen her a few times. We kept on missing each other at our friends' gatherings. She rarely answers my calls and messages. Every time I go to her house, it's either she's asleep already, she's not home yet or she left already. If I go to her office, her secretary always says Ms. Yue is in a meeting. Or that she asked not to be disturbed.

Nine years. She has been the closest female to me for nine years. That is until Fei Fei came along. I was used to seeing a lot of attractive women. There are a lot of shows and photoshoots. But Fei Fei is different. Her beauty is something else. Add to that a charming personality. She is well loved by my family and friends. She managed to win everyone over just for a short period of time. We are called the power couple in our industry.

It wasn't really in my plan to propose to her. But her popularity rose quickly as soon as it got out that we are dating. She was offered a modeling gig that will take her to various parts of the world. And I'm afraid that she might get snatched away from me by other guys. So I proposed to her a few days before she was scheduled to leave. I didn't even have a ring when I did that. And we agreed on a long engagement.

I wanted to tell Yue details about my life now with Fei Fei. I wanted to tell her details about my engagement. I wanted to show her the video of me proposing. In any other circumstance, I was sure she would tease me non-stop and call me lame and an idiot. Because who proposes without a ring anyway?

Seeing her looking like she was in a trance, I had second thoughts on telling her about it. But I told myself that this might be my only chance of speaking to her in person. So I told her. If I could have softened the blow I would have. But I guess bad news is bad news. No matter how I deliver it, it is bound to hurt her. So I told her in the most direct way, without garbling my words. She doesn't deserve to be lied to. I owe her the truth.

I love Yue. So much. Just not in the way she wanted to. We have often been mistaken as a couple. We bicker a lot. I love holding her hand. And I love hugging her also. I crave her presence. That's how comfortable I am with her.

I love her. But only as my best friend.

And I realized I am about to lose one of the most important people in my life. Panic starts to creep in on me. Am I ready to live a life without Shen Yue? Am I ready to lose her?

And with a sinking feeling, I realized the answer is no. But what can I do about it? I am sure after tonight's revelations, she wouldn't want to see me again. I guess I can't have the best of both worlds.