Trapped

Yue

I know he is watching me as I walk away from him.

I heard him call my name many times. But I fought the urge to turn around. My footsteps were slow and heavy. It's as if I am waiting for him to run after me. But he didn't.

I felt numb the whole time I was standing there listening to what he was saying. I actually barely heard his voice. I felt as cold as ice. I can't feel anything. I feel hollow. I feel empty.

As I stood there, I could only think of how much I love him. When he confronted me in my room, I couldn't help but blurt out that I love him. I still love him. I have silently loved him all these years. I was afraid to tell him because I could still remember how he laughed at me the last time I confessed. Yes I remember I looked stupid at that time. And that was the last time I dared say aloud that I love him.

I wanted so badly to hold his hand. I wanted to hug him. I miss his arms encircling me. I always felt so secure every time he held me. But he is getting married. I have lost him. I have lost my best friend. He is no longer my Dylan. He belongs to somebody else now.

Would I want him to apologize to me? Honestly, I don't. I do not need his apology. I do not want to be pitied. No amount of sorry can ease away the pain in my heart. I lost my constant companion. I lost the love of my life.

I don't know if I can ever forgive him. Technically, there is nothing to forgive. Because technically, he's not at fault here. But he is engaged now to another girl. And I don't think I can bear seeing him again after tonight. I don't think I can handle the torture.

Part of me is glad that he had the decency to tell the news to me in person. But a part of me also wished that he should have just messaged me instead. But he is Dylan. And he is a stickler for rules. We promised each other before that we will not keep secrets from each other. It doesn't matter what other people say. We will only believe in each other. Probably one of the reasons why we were able to maintain our friendship through the years.

I have been avoiding him for months now. So far I have been successful. But I don't know what has gotten into me when he called me the other day. I answered his call. And I even agreed to meet with him. It's just that I miss him so much. I miss seeing his face up close. I miss those moments where there will be just the two of us. If I had known the reason why he wanted to meet, I wouldn't have come. In my eagerness to see him, I forgot to ask. My bad.

Nine years. I am the only girl in his life. I am the only one allowed to be close to him. It is me whom he spends most of his time with. It is me who is at the receiving end of his sweetness. I am the only girl he hugs. Until Fei Fei came into the picture. And in a flash, she stole Dylan from me. All of my friends love and adore her. I mean, who wouldn't? She is a goddess! A simple girl like me doesn't stand a chance. I felt misplaced. And all alone.

I was really surprised when Dylan told me that he proposed to Fei Fei. I felt it was too fast. I wanted to ask him why but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I wanted to ask for details. I wanted to hear his reasons. But I chose to stay quiet. First I don't know if I can trust my voice not to crack when I ask him. And I don't want to cry in front of him. I don't want to appear vulnerable. I don't want him to see that I am hurting badly. I wanted to keep my facade. That I couldn't care less if he gets engaged with all the population of China. Even if deep inside I am slowly dying.

He told me ever so casually. Like he was telling me something as trivial as the weather. I guess he tried to break the news to me softly. But bad news is bad news no matter how it is told. Nothing can be done to soften its blow. I feel like I was sucker punched. Like I was sliced open and they cut my heart out. I found it hard to breathe. But I stood my ground. I tried not to show any emotions.

I know Dylan loves me. He has told me many times in the past. I know he loves me. Not just in the way I wanted him to. He loves me as his best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I was so naive to think that if I made myself indispensable to him someday he would love me. Someday he will see me and realize that all along I am the love of his life.

But all of those are just wishful thinking. A silent prayer of my hopeless heart. I'm pathetic, I know. I have been in love with Dylan for so long. Not once have I entertained other boys who would like to court me. Because I am waiting for Dylan. Apparently I was waiting for nothing.

I realized that after tonight, we're done. Am I ready to lose my bestfriend and the love of my life? No. But I have to be okay with him out of my life. Because I can't afford to hurt myself further. I can only take so much.

***************

I was writing Chapter 10 but I have to pause because I felt like Dylan and Yue wanted to be heard. So here it is. Their separate POV's and I also put a bgm for each.

I kinda liked how this turned out. It's their very own "he said, she said" 😊

Enjoy and see you next chapter!

~ toni ~