Our Summer : My Truth

{43} Part 48 ~ Let Me Go

WARNING: THIS IS A PERSONAL FEELING CONFESSION/rant!

I fell in love.

OMG, I fell in love.

I fell in love!!

Sometimes, I think writing those words over and over again will force this fact to finally register in my brain but it never works. No matter how often I repeat these words, the logic behind them never follows. I fell in love and the tornadoes of emotions I have been through is unimaginable. The joy, the fear and everything in between is hard to put into words. Four months later I am still dumbfounded. How astonishing that I fell in love with you, a male apart of a world far different that what I had hoped for. You were everything I never knew I needed.

Until one day you stepped into my life and stole my oxygen and never stopped running. Sometimes, I write that to make myself feel better because the truth hurts. But truth is I willingly gave you my oxygen, my heart, my all. I didn't expect anything in return. I did not want you to sacrifice your time, your life, your anything for me. I would continue loving you from a distance and you would continue ignoring me and my existence. That is all I wanted. Nothing more, nothing less. But you didn't want to follow by my rules. You wanted to love me. You wanted me, at least I think. Your mixed confusing signals I have learned to ignore. I want you to talk to me and not make me guess. You know what I want and what I feel yet I know nothing. I know nothing about what you want, if you even want to have a friendship with me. I don't know anything. I have friends who make assumptions and try to read your heart but, I don't want to. I don't want to have to. I wear my heart on my sleeve for you, there's not much more I wouldn't do to have our hallway glances and smiles. Because I love you. I need you to not love me too. I need to let you go, to someone who deserves you and all the amazing goodness you have to offer. I am not worthy of your love and so I chose to let you go.

Now, I realize I do need something from you. I need you to let me go. And I know that's not my place. I have no right to tell you who you should fancy or who you should not. But if you have a tiny ounce of love and respect I beg of thee, let me go. The pain of having you and knowing you will never truly be mine is far too great for my heart to bear. Let me go.

***

~ Have you ever loved someone who doesn't love you/does not love you in the way you want them to?

Oof. It be like that.

Sending you good vibes only.

D.O.