Today's chapter is about something I've been reflecting on during this pandemic.
Covid has been trash. One of the only benefits has been the endless time that I have had to reflect. I am a big believer of the importance of reflecting but I have never reflected so much in my life. I am grateful nonetheless because I am learning so much about myself, my family and the world.
TW///death
Many people have lost loved ones during this tough time and my heart goes out to each and every one of you. My deepest condolences! If you ever need someone, reach out! I am here!
I unlike most normal people don't really feel the loss of a loved one until the funeral. Death is such an interesting thing because it never seems real (at least to me). I won't feel it, I can't comprehend the loss till I see for real that you're gone. When I kiss your body goodbye and see your body leave my presence, then and only then does my heart register that yes, indeed you are gone.
And I have always been this way but this year it feels different, somehow horrible. I am watching my family grieve and I can't. I can't grieve because in my mind they're still there. It feels like when this is all over, you will be there. You will be there sitting in the church bench and passing the bowl of potatoes at our family gatherings.
It is such a strange feeling because you never realize how important the grieving process is whether that be religious or cultural traditions but they matter so much. Death (at least to me) doesn't feel real without it.
Just the entire mourning process: everyone flying in, praying together for what feels like every second of every day, the funeral, the speeches, the walk of remembrance, the cooking, the sleeping all together in the same house and the talks, the a million talks about the history of our family.
The manner in which we grieve helps us heal. And this rant might have been pointless but if one of you feel the same, please let me know. This is what was on my mind and if you don't share these sentiments, that is TOTALLY OKAY! If you read all of this and it was the most boring thing ever, lol I am sorry but it be like that.
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Heal.
~ Have you ever posted a rant on Instagram?
Yup!
Go follow my Instagram at gentlestepsnyc!
I hope you had a good Tuesday!
D.O.
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