Into The Unknown

34

Chris's POV

Raegan and I avoided each other the rest of the day. I caught her taking glances at my every now and then.

"Chris," Carmen spoke quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I noticed you looking at apartments..." she trailed off.

I nodded at her and looked in her direction.

"Are-are you moving?"

"Yeah, maybe. I can't stay here forever," I uttered.

I noticed her face was solemn and I honestly felt guilty. I was wrong for leading her on, and I was wrong for using her as a placeholder until Raegan figured out what she really wanted in life. I should have brought her into this, but I couldn't let go of Lilianna. I knew that in order for me to move on, I had to. I had to let go of everything. My past, even some of my present. Being around Carmen was only going to cause me to have more pain. Her presence was going to make me feel hopeless again, and be reminded of something I couldn't change.

I came to this realization the other night when Cyrus grabbed her neck. All these years, I was holding on to something that couldn't be reversed. I was sulking and weeping over spilled milk. I know that I can recover from everything, by letting go. I know that I will still feel pain, and possibly cry because I've lost my loved ones. I have to take control over my mental stability again, and I will start by remembering the good things that happened in my life. I have to celebrate my family's life. I have to celebrate Lilianna's life. Most importantly, I have to celebrate my own life.

"When-When are you leaving then?" Carmen whispered to me.

"In the next week. I know you're probably hurt that I'm leaving but..." I trailed off, carefully crafting my thoughts.

"I need to become my own person. I can't keep letting things shape my life and I feel like that's happening to me right now. I've let things dictate my emotions for so long and...I just wanna be free. If you loved me like you said, you'll let me go. I need to find myself, the me I lost a long time ago. I have to let this go," I said throwing my hand between the two of us.

"And I have to do that in order to let Lilanna go. I'm sorry for hurting you, but I have to say this. I'm not sure if I ever loved you, Carmen. I do know that I loved the idea of you. I loved the idea of having a chance...with Lilianna. You remind me of her so much. The way you smile, the perfume you wear, the way your nose scrunches up when you're mad...but I can't keep holding on to something I'm imagining. I'll be here for you, no matter what. I'll babysit Marlie for you. I'll come over, as a friend. I really hope you understand me right now...but I need this."

I looked up at her as tears ran down her face. I reached up and wiped them from her cheeks softly. I hated to see her cry like this, but I needed this for me.

"I understand," she finally whispered.

I sighed out a breath of relief. I pulled her small frame into a tight hug, that lasted a few moments before she pulled away.

"I really care about you, Carmen. I promise to still be here for you."

She just nodded her head before wiping her eyes once more. "I know you and Raegan had sex. I was mad at first, but I understand why. I hope you find whatever you're looking for out there, Chris," she said with a slight smile, "Me and Marlie will be here whenever you wanna visit."

I smiled at her a little and pulled her into me again. I stared into her eyes for a short while before giving her a passionate kiss on the lips. This would be the kiss we would share, and I wanted her to really remember it. I pulled away from her and smiled once more.