LIKE I NEVER LEFT °[KathNiel] ✓COMPLETE

12. Sorry

Amara

Pinapanood kong natutulog si Darryl habang nakaupo sa tabi niya. Ang peaceful niyang tingnan, nakakalubag ng loob. Ang saya sa pakiramdam. Mayamaya pa ay tumunog ang phone ni Four. Dumistansiya lang siya ng kunti bago ito sagutin. Is it his fiancee? My question is automatically answered because I can still hear him from the bedroom as he takes the call.

"I know. Ori, I know."

Who's Ori? Orion? His manager?

"I'm afraid that is not possible."

There is a long silence from him after that and I continue listening intentionally. Is he leaving again? I don't know why but I feel angry at the thought.

"Listen, Ori. I have a daughter." His voice is hard to decipher. He sounds angry or hurt or desperate. I cannot tell. "I'm a father. May anak ako. Seven years has passed and I was me not beside her in those years. So I'm I'm sorry man, I am not going anywhere again. I'm sorry."

Guilt consumes my heart in full after hearing that. The anger I feel minutes ago disappears in thin air and tears spurt out from my eyes automatically so I run out of the room. The garden is where I find sanctum for my emotions. I hate feeling this. I shouldn't be guilty of anything. First off, he left! And if he didn't, he would have been there by our daughter's side  all along. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. Find resort in the silence of the night, I freely let out my emotions and sob.

Napayakap ako sa sarili ko habang paulit-ulit na pinapaniwalang hindi ko kasalanan kung bakit hindi niya nakasama ang anak namin. Hindi ko dapat nararamdaman 'to. After all that he did to me, he deserves that pain and I should be happy seeing him earning his end of the bargain. But why? Why am I hurt and broken? What did I do? Is seven years of trying and failing to move on not enough?

"Mara?" I wipe my tears quickly when I hear his voice and footsteps. "Mara, what's wrong?" As soon as Four eyes me wiping my tears, he runs to me and comforts me in his embrace. "Hey, what's wrong baby? Did I do something?" I can't answer him. My sobbing has gotten every nerve in my body. "Mara, tell me. Please tell me, love."

"Are you leaving?" I hear myself ask instead. "Babalik ka na ba ng America para sa pangarap mo?"

"No. Amara, no."

"Why not? Why won't you just go?" Naiinis na sambit ko. "Umalis ka nalang ulit."

"Mara—"

"Hindi ko dapat nararamdaman 'to e. Hindi ako dapat nagi-guilty na hindi mo nakasama ang anak mo sa mahabang panahon—"

"Mara, I'm not blaming you." I quickly swat his hand away when he tries to touch me.

"I'm not blaming you, Amara. You are right. It's my fault—"

"But why am I feeling the opposite? Ba't iba ang pakiramdam ko?" Umiiyak na saad ko. "Nagi-guilty ako kahit ayaw ko."

"Love..." He murmurs as he reaches for me. This time, I am no longer able to get rid of him when he holds me in his arms again. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, love." Bulong niya habang nakahawak sa magkabilang pisngi ko. "Wala kang kasalanan, Amara. Wala kang kasalanan."

It's not how I feel. I feel completely otherwise. Pinikit ko nalang ang mga mata ko.

"Amara, wala kang kasalanan. It's all on me." Lalo lang akong naiiyak. "Stop crying please."

"I'm sorry." I eventually utter the words I need to express to get this lump off my throat. "I'm sorry."

"No. Mara, no." He whispers and brings me closer to hug me. "Don't be. It's okay, love. Okay lang 'yon, mahal. Ang mahalaga, nandito na ako. I promise love, hindi na ulit ako aalis."