LIKE I NEVER LEFT °[KathNiel] ✓COMPLETE

40.Signs

Amara

On the day of Four's surgery, I didn't talk much. I just allow my embrace and kisses to express my support on his decision, trying to conceal how I truly feel. I know that if I am going to utter even a single word, I am going to cry. It's so hard. While waiting for the result of the operation, I also have hard time explaining to my daughter about the truth—not the full details of course that can't be comprehended by a seven-year old.

"But daddy will be okay after the operation, right?" Darryl asks, bringing me to tears.

"Yes." I answer as I quickly wipe my tears. "Of course munchkin. Dad will be okay." Yumakap ako sa anak ko at tahimik na humagulhol. "Daddy will be okay." I repeat in my voice full of hope.

God, please. Don't take him yet. My daughter and I need him in our lives. I want my daughter to live the life she deserves to have. Please God. I know that there is nothing that you are incapable of doing. I know You can save Him. I trust You, God. I'm giving up everything now. Let Your will be done.

To say the last statement is the hardest. Our will, most of the time, doesn't coincide to the will of God. What if His will this time is different from mine? What if Four won't make it because it's His plan? Whatever will be Your plan for my husband, God, whatever will be the result of the operation, give me the courage and the heart to continue trusting You.

After more than twelve hours of waiting for the surgery to be over, the doctor finally come out of the operating room. My heart is filled with terror. I am beyond scared to hear what he might say.

"Mrs. Palmer?" Looking at his eyes, I know the words he'll say next. "We tried our best for the success of the surgery. We are able to remove the tumor in his brain however, Mrs. Palmer, your husband is in postoperative coma as of the moment. Let me just cite a very important point about his condition, there is a high possibility that he might not make it or if he will, he may loss his memory." He tells me a lot of other things after that but my brain can no longer take anything else because what I have heard from him is already breaking my heart and is slowing down my system. He is in coma. How could that be? This type of cancer is not curable. If the surgery is successful, he might be able to live for years and yet that is as well just a possibility.

God. I don't know how to take this anymore. I am tired of all the crying. I'm tired of this pain. Please take all these burdens. I can no longer carry them.

As I cry out to God, somehow, a new hope arise in me. Fear is still there. But I'm battling against it—not letting it win over me. Nangako si Four na kakayanin niya. Nangako siyang lalaban siya at hindi niya ako iiwan. Kaya hindi ako bibitaw sa pangako na iyon. Hindi ako bibitaw sa taas. Alam kong papakinggan Niya ang hiling ng puso namin ng anak ko.

"Ma'am Amara." Tawag ni nanay Lucing sa'kin. Unang beses niya palang na mapadalaw rito mula ng operahan si Four. Nagtaka ako nang makitang may hawak siyang malaking bouquet ng tulips. Naalala ko nalang 'yong mga magagandang alaala namin ni Four dahil sa bulaklak na 'yon. "Para ho sa inyo."

"Ano po 'to nay?"

Hindi siya sumagot kaya kinuha ko nalang ang bulaklak. May envelop na nakasukbit roon na agad kong kinuha. Hindi card ang laman non kundi isang sulat.

My love,

Life isn't called life without having to face challenges. It's just a little crazy that other people's challenges look a little lot easier than ours. They are shorter, they aren't that much painful and at the end, they'd even reap great reward for enduring—for getting past that setback. Looking back at our lives together, while I stare at you today in this beautiful place that will always be close to my heart, while I gaze at you and our daughter enjoying the beauty of Bali, I realize that our lives are nothing but filled with challenges. It doesn't seem fair, my love, that you have so many problems just because you choose me continually. Today is the first day of having you as my wife and I still cannot believe it honestly.