For you

Poem 41: Letter in My Head

Dear *****,

This is it, this is raw.

This is everything I need to say to you since our fall.

I dream of you, I wake up bawling.

Dreaming you died and crawling,

Crawling out of bed to try to survive.

I've wanted to write you this letter.

I must have done it a thousand times in my mind.

I long to reach out, in search out your rhyme.

But have we healed? Has there been enough time?

3 years was too much for me.

If I'm being honest, personally.

I know I could move on, but I don't want to.

No one will ever compare to you.

You and I share so much, things that cross my mind often.

But I would never dare speak.

I think high school was my peak.

You yelled at me once, but this is true.

If I only ever found love once, I'm glad I fell in love with you.

God I miss you more than you'll ever know.

Yeah, soul ties are real, and show.

They show on my face when someone says your name.

A dull ache, but I cant hide the pain.

I wont beg you to give us a chance.

You need to make the move.

Almost 5 years ago, I told you I'd liked you.

What I meant was I've loved you since the day we met on that playground.

And there's nothing I want more than to marry you and settle down.

The problem is, I'm afraid you dont feel the same this time round.

When I see you, I run the other way.

Because inside, I know. Oh I know.

If I see you I'll say, "I never stopped loving you."

Through all my pain and all my anguish.

Losing the thing I would have most cherished.

I want you in my life more than anything.

Screw our parents and their thinking.

You and I knew at only 6.

Then we knew again at 16.

Now we're 19 and 20.

And I know. I still hope, I still pray.

When I got my letter to myself, I didn't even know what to say.

At the top I addressed the letter to myself, but with your last name.

When I saw that I ran to the bathroom and thought I would puke.

The tears streamed so fast there was really no use.

No use in trying to contain the mess of my makeup, the tears, the stains.

I was a mess as I read further of the life I had planned for us when we were 14.

You were my Eastside, my North, my Anchor, my Everything.

And I'm sorry. So sorry. For all the pain I caused.

I want to move on. With you.

I want to say I do.

I'm sick of trying to convince myself to go on dates.

Nick, Matt, Noah, Jeremy, it's no use.

Because none of them are you.

They may be kind, they may be sweet.

But I could never love them, not complete.

And I could never trust them the way I trust you.

So please, reach out to me.

I only want to talk.

About who you are now, and how you've been.

It seems it's been ages since what could've been.

If I ever show you my book, completed.

Just know, these words were only ever meant for you.

I still love you from the bottom of my heart.

One thing if I tell you that may make you sad.

When people call me Bella now, I flinch.

The name you called me, because to you I was beautiful.

It's taken me 3 long years to realize I still am beautiful.

I want nothing more than to build a home with you.

Just you and me. And maybe some pets.

I wouldn't ask for anything else in life so long as I had you.

Sometimes I imagine reaching out to you.

How would I start the conversation, Hey.

That seems way too little.

There's so many things I want to say to you.

I just dont know that you'll be able to hear them.

I know you're with someone.

And it hurts, but if you're happy then I wont say anything else.

I will be out of your life for good.

I guess for now, that's all I have to say.

Then, Now, Forever,

Nye Melmede ❤

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A/N

Hey guys...

So this is what rock bottom feels like. Funny I thought I hit it 3 years ago. But apparently not. I have had literal nightmares that hes been killed somehow and I wake up barely breathing. I still love him so much and I'm not sure what to do. Hes been seeing a girl for almost a year. If hes happy, I want him to be happy. But I miss him so much. Even after 3 years it hurts like hell. Any advice and prayers are very welcome.

Love you all!
~I