For you

Poem 4: If

Sometimes I stop to wonder,

What life would be.

If I had said no.

Would you love me?

Or watch me pass on by?

I remember when you asked her out.

Inside, that was the day I had died.

So from then on I made a list of things.

Things that I would have done with you,

Things in my best dreams.

I called this list, "the if list" and thought just maybe,

One day, you'd hold me close and I could get up and say,

"I made this list the day that life didn't go my way,

And I kept it because I thought,

Maybe one day you'd turn around,

Maybe one day you'd be the one to change my frown."

So I talked to you that night,

Hands shaking voice filled with fright.

"I can't move on." I'd said looking at my feet.

You picked up my chin and kissed me and I thought my doubt had been beat.

You danced with me that blissful evening,

I still think I was only dreaming.

Because I made a mistake and now you are gone.

And now I can't fix what I did that's so wrong.

So I look at my "if list" and think to myself,

This list is best closed, never to be opened on a shelf.

A list that's compiled of my deepest fears,

A list that's the reason I cry so many tears.

A list that became all too quickly,

The reality that I'm supposed to give up on, and quietly.

Those were your words and they hurt like a knife.

So now I sit quiet and watch you with her trying to breath and let go of my strife.

It wasn't frivolous, our journey,

But now I fear it has ended and darling, I'm so sorry.

I love you and although my list of ifs became a reality,

Here I will forever sit, hoping you will come back to me, anxiously.

You could fix my list of ifs, my hurts my sorrows,

You could give me a brighter tomorrow.

I'm sad and I'm hurt, but still I will say,

Now, Then, and Forever,
Nye Melmëldë..

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Authors Note:
   Just felt like getting this off my chest... thanks for reading. I know it's cheesy but sometimes you just need to get things off of your chest.