For you

Poem 42- Six Years

Today at 3:22pm, it will have been six years.

Six years and so, so, so many tears.

I still love you, I still miss you.

I still feel queasy every time I see her with you.

I still long to say "I do".

One day, I hope you see this, because then you'll know.

What I feel for you I'm terrified to show.

I've tried to move on.

But maybe moving on just isn't for me.

I have secrets I can't ever share.

Things I long to tell you, without a cold stare.

You said I hate you, and darling you're wrong.

I hated myself, heck sometimes I still do.

I couldn't have helped falling in love with you.

Because the truth is, I told you I liked you.

And at that point, I liked you as a friend.

But ultimately, I just didn't want to be alone.

I was lonely and you were kind, and you liked me.

I know that this may break your heart,

But this is mine.

You were my best friend, and I knew that I could love you.

I thought maybe in time, it would be real.

So, I didn't let you kiss me, because I knew when you did I would have to feel.

When we kissed for the first time, I ran to the bathroom and cried.

I cried because I knew at that moment, in 7th grade, that I wanted you to be my first and last.

And it broke my heart.

We danced on my porch and said "I love you"s.

And I meant it.

And I believe that you did too.

I never meant to fall in love with you.

And I never meant for anyone to get hurt.

I miss you today most of all.

And it hurts like hell, I won't lie.

Because I still feel that you are the one.

After everything, you're still my everything.

I hope and pray and plead with God.

That you would reach out to me.

Because I believe we could make it.

We can make it through anything, you and me.

I believe we could have infinity.

But for now, I'm in the waiting.

And so here I'll lay, crying and praying.

"God, if I'm supposed to move on, please help me".

Because it hurts more than I can possibly describe.

My dad made you feel worthless and like you weren't good enough.

I know that now and I see why you got into drugs.

I'm not saying that I approve, but I understand.

So here I am, six years later, longing to go back.

I just want you to hold me one last time.

Because it's been 3 years and I still don't know how to live without you.

It's like I'm missing half of myself.

I dream about you all the time.

And I try so hard not to wake up.

Because if I can be with you in my dreams, it's comfort.

Not much, but it's some.

If you still feel anything for me, if there's even a chance...

Please. Give us a chance.

That's all I ever asked for.

I know that God can restore.

But for now, I'm going to watch The Last Five Years and cry.

I guess what I'm saying is for now, goodbye.

I love you, and I'm sure we'll talk again someday.

But for now, I need to figure out how to survive.

For you, but also,

For me.