Bloom

10. scattered pizza

Zephaniah

The pizza head. I called it the pizza head. Those specific 'heads' occurred when I had gotten too much information and stimulations during the day, clear or unclear. The loose, at that moment meaningless, jigsaw pieces that came into my head, would stack up, causing a point to form onto my head.

Pointed head, a pizza head. I imagined it as a pizza slice. It was the best explanation I could give my mum and dad, when I was experiencing moments like those.

Too much information that my mind was not capable of, to process it all too well, at the right tempo. It caused an overstimulation, after that only one thing had to happen I wouldn't like- and I would explode.

I didn't want it to happen, I never wanted it to happen, but I couldn't help it.

The pizza head had slightly faded after my meltdown with Tara. I always tried finding an explanation for them- I had been fearing the day, just because I always did. I wasn't as used to University as I wanted to be, while the other students seemed to have found their place already.

It made me insecure, it made me wonder why I couldn't get used to things so fast. Then, sleep deprivation from last night because of mum, dad's hazy behaviour about mum, the lectures that went way too fast. I couldn't follow the spoken words, the slides on the Powerpoint, then the endless distractions of quiet noises I couldn't filter out, spending lunch with my study group.

It costed me so much energy, just to listen, to follow conversations but also to make contact. I just didn't know the right way to do it, the many stimulations were too intense and that made me quiet. Then, Luke's words and behaviour, Haven telling them that she signed herself up for that project, when mum never told me such project existed.

Tara irritating me, telling them things they didn't have to know, just bothering me in general. I couldn't take it anymore. My head was full, and on moments like those, I couldn't stop myself.

I'd explode, and what happened after that- I wouldn't really know. I'd slip in some sort of daze, completely out of control and those situations made me feel sad, helpless.

I had become even more exhausted and now on my way home, I could feel the pizza head coming up again. I just needed to sleep, to rest. I just needed Cooper.

My tired eyes landed on unnecessary, according to other people, details, them staring at things other people wouldn't be staring at. I wanted to follow the road, but it was moving too fast.

Moving my attention to my fiddling fingers instead, I listened to the songs that were playing on the CD mum had put in. I didn't really know it, but it was soft and calm music, though, it didn't calm me at all at the moment.

"Zeph.." Mum suddenly said, moving my head up to look at her in response. "I need to tell.. Dad said that Cooper has thrown up again today."

Cooper has what? "Again?" I swallowed, an uneasy feeling appearing in my guts.

"Yeah.. dad said you might have to take him to the vet any time soon. Just to make sure, you know?" Mum gave me a sad smile, briefly touching my cheek after she had parked the car. "We didn't want to worry you, but it has happened several times now.."

I swallowed again and started tugging at my sleeves, not answering her. Cooper had been throwing up lately, especially in the nights. Just like mum. "Maybe you and, uhm, Cooper have the same? Fever.."

"No," Mum said right away, hesitating. "No, I don't think so, Zeph. Let's get inside, see what dad has cooked us today."

"Okay," I said sadly, unbuckling myself and stepping out of the car, swinging my bag over my shoulder.