Bloom

56. memories give pain

Zephaniah

Warmth engulfed me, just like the bright, flashing lights and the loud music that literally bored through my ears. It had probably been a really wrong decision to come here, but for some reasons, I had wanted to.

I wanted to be part of the group, I wanted to spend more time with Haven. My sensitive side was shown too many times already, I somehow wanted to let her show that I was a guy too. With not too many emotions, the same interests as the others. Who was I kidding, though. I couldn't lie, I couldn't pretend to be anybody else, besides hiding the autism.

Haven knew me better than anyone else here did, except for Tara, maybe.

My hands had flapped a lot of times, my eyelids heavy from the rapid blinking whenever a different song would come up, when people brushed against me or when somebody ordered a strong smelling drink. Honestly, I couldn't understand why people liked it, but I tried to keep my main focus on Haven, watching her every move.

She did a lot of her so called happy dances, they always made me smile. Other than that we just chatted for as far as that was possible, Luke, Louis and Abel drinking uncontrollably. It made me uncomfortable for reasons I couldn't explain, but let it be.

The six of us were seated on the high chairs that were placed at the bar. The music had slightly faded from over where we were sitting, chats could be made just fine. It was much better for me, the whole area overwhelming me. I knew I had to be really careful, I didn't want to come back overstimulated when it came to my autism, or trigger a seizure.

Haven had promised me we would only go for a little while and if it was too much, I could always get some fresh air, which made me feel better about it.

"Want another beer?" The barista questioned, the yellow liquid sloshed over the edge, drops sticking the bar underneath our arms. It made me frown, I wished he would have a wet napkin right here, right now, so I could clean it. The sticky beer felt strange against my skin.

"Do you want one?" His eyes were bored into mine when I looked up, catching me off guard. For a moment I didn't know what to say, my ears suddenly hearing so many unnecessary sounds that his question faded, my anxiety growing.

Tara nudged my shoulder, it woke me up. "He's autistic, he doesn't drink beer."

"I want beer." I said right after, huffing at her. Glancing at the barista, I gulped a little when his eyebrow was raised. I didn't really understand his expression, was he mad at me?

"You can't have it." Tara chuckled, ruffling my hair.

Glancing at Haven, I noticed she was glaring at Tara. Suddenly, I felt frustrated, fed up with how she just decided things for me, even when I was older. Yes, I had trouble making decisions at times, but that didn't mean I just had to agree with everything other people decided for me. I had always done that when I was little, because it had scared me to do otherwise, because what if people would get mad?

Pleasing others often leads to losing yourself.

"How do you do it, baba?" I whispered, oblivious to my surroundings, too caught up in my mind. Step by step, we will always help you. Sometimes even people you meet at University. The things Dad told me were to have the good with me, Haven said similar things.

"I want it!" I blurted out, shoving the glass that had previously been filled with water towards the barista. "I want beer." I said more softer, my own behaviour confusing me. "She can't decide that for me." Even softer, more quietly.

The barista grinned, he filled my glass up till the edge, the foam perfectly on top of that. "Heineken, hope you like it, mate."

"Heineken beer. Country of origin; the Netherlands, introduced in eighteen- seventy three." Haven whispered into my ear, I instantly smiled at her. She sipped on Fanta, she didn't like beer, I admired her confidence when it came to that. She truly didn't mind what other people thought of her. "Do you like beer?"