an ode to the loveless, these are for you.

emptiness

i wanna be able to feel again,
to love with passion and feel loved in return.
i'm so sick of the paranoia that consumes everything i do.
i can't even play volleyball in my P.E. class without the thought that someone's watching and mocking,
mocking my face when i get prepared to hit the ball, or how my leg went up behind me when i leaned forward, or how i missed entirely.
i wanna be able to wake up with a sense of purpose and a nice "good morning" from literally anyone.
i wanna be able to laugh again and have it not leave me more hollow.
i've exhausted all my emotions.
i used to be so full,
i used to be told i had lots of emotion, i had lots of empathy or sympathy.
i had motivation and care and spirit.
now what do i have?
a hollow shell of a girl, who was broken by too many people, no matter if she was doing the right thing or not.
we have here someone who did what they saw as the best thing to do and then ended up fucking themselves over.
someone who ruined perfectly fine relationships and opportunity's because she was scared.
scared of the names, of the mocking, of the betrayal and mistrust.
scared to do anything.
she's hyper aware now, she's quiet and reserved and afraid to love because when she was loud and open and full of love and compassion she was shot down.
she was broken by the people she was trying to fix.
she was blamed, and she took all the blame to protect those that hurt her. maybe the situations wasn't her fault, but she took the blame anyways.
she would still sacrifice herself for the same people that broke her, she would still try to help those that would only tear her down,
because what has she got to lose?
she has no one.
no one knows what's going on, nor do they care.
she's alone