an ode to the loveless, these are for you.

i remember when i first kissed you on february 11th, 2018

two years later and i still truly miss you,
i can't imagine a day where i don't miss you.
but i don't miss our love.
it was toxic, and that's my fault,
i'm sorry.

but i miss the week at the beach and when we slept through most of it,
partly because of how difficult it was to awaken when wrapped in each others arms.

i miss our first times hanging out, when the walls would shake from our nerves and i didn't know how to do eyebrow makeup but you said i looked gorgeous anyways.

i miss when we were up in the mountains and it was so cold in our room but it didn't matter because we had each others warmth.

i miss our Minecraft world, i still remember everything in it and what it all looked like. i remember our little love notes on the oak signs we would place throughout and our little underground house with our birds and such.

i hope you didn't delete it.

i miss when i looked into your eyes and they used to glow back at me, and your lips were always soft because you would use use a toothbrush as a lip scrub.

i miss 8th grade lunches when you would always drop two spaghetti-o's,
every single day,
and we would all laugh and smile so hard our faces hurt.

i miss when you would tell me everything was going to be fine when the sun seemed to be dimming and my world had gone pitch black.

we never should have fallen in love,
as you had been going after the other girl in class,
but i wonder if you had had something for me all along.
because why wouldn't you have gone for her in the long run?
alas, it doesn't matter now,
but i am so grateful we fell in love.
it was a beautiful love,
you were beautiful.
you were everything i could have ever wanted and more,
i am so sorry i wronged you the way i did.
i was cruel and mean,
but i assure you i never meant to be.

do you purposefully look at me in the halls? or is it just you looking around and us happening to make eye contact.
i don't know, i never will.

that's ok.

sometimes i wish someone would show you these, and honestly i've got nothing left to lose if they did.
either you care and you don't say it or you don't care and poke fun at how i romanticize my entire life because i don't know how else to view life.

or you just poke fun in general at my stupidity and naiveness to even write these.

but i don't have a preference which path you take,
the universe will eventually decide if she wants to put our paths together again or make them go complete opposite directions,
i just want you to lead a life of happiness,
do whatever it is you're scared to do.
die knowing you did everything you wanted to.

you always appear in my dreams,
constantly.
sometimes i dream of you and you hadn't crossed my mind during the day.
am i in yours?
i remember you saying you don't dream but sometimes you can, they're just weird.

is it weird i remember all this?
do you remember all this?
i think it's weird if i didn't,
like if i didn't remember the small moments we had, then did i really love you?
because you never stop loving someone once you fall in love with them,
so why would you forget the days we spent together?

i'm rambling, and tears are forming in my eyes, but i wanted to thank you.
for showing me kindness and love and joy.
you were someone i considered home.
i never did thank you,
it all ended so abruptly and i never dealt with it.
i thought it'd be so much easier to get over if i never thought about it,
but that was wrong.

we are completely different people than we were back then,
we've found new music, shows, people.
as we grow into better versions of ourselves i want you to know you'll always have a place in my heart,
you helped shape who i am today.
i am eternally grateful to you and the short year we spent together.

honestly i don't know why i still feel this way,
why i'm still bothered by it. but i needed to write it to get it off my chest.

i hope you can forgive me for it all,
i don't know if you're still hurt by it all or not.
but i hope you've healed, from everything,
not just me.
don't settle for less then what you deserve,
and you deserve the universe
chase.