used | JJK

Chapter 30

Jungkook finally knew why he hated you so blindly. To be frank, he never did. It was all just a facade.

His hatred for you was just his mind's way of telling him that his heart was going the wrong way… towards you. He hated you because he knew that if he didn't tell himself to, then he would fall in love with you. He kept telling himself that he hated you so that in all that noise and confusion he wouldn't notice how his heart would beat fast every time he was around you.

He knew the very moment he met you that you were not someone he could just use and throw. He kept his distance from you, so that you could not pull at his heartstrings. He pretended to find you annoying and irritating.

He would ignore the way his eyes burned when you talked to Namjoon. Truth is he couldn't bear to see you with anyone. But he only realized all this after Noona had told him.

She was right. He never loved her. He admired her. He misunderstood his feelings for ‘love’ because he had never had that kind of feelings towards anyone. All the girls he dated were too obsessed with popularity and him. But none of them really loved him as a person.

To him ‘love’ was some kind of a possession that he needed to have because everyone else had it. He believed that if he got Noona he would naturally have ‘love’ in his life.

But after meeting you, slowly he realized love wasn't a possesion, it was a feeling. A feeling of providing a person warmth and protection. It was not about receiving but about giving. That time you had taken care of him when he was sick and that time you stood up for him in front of his father. You didn't have to do all those things for him but you did. That's when Jungkook realized the true power of giving.

He tried his best to be like you. He learned what love is. It was a feeling of giving your everything to that one person. Everything: your confidence, your insecurities, your emotions. They could do anything with it and that fact is so scary. But that's what's crazy about love. It is such a secure feeling and an insecure one at the same time.

When he sat across Noona, that day, he wasn't really listening to what she was speaking. He could only think about how stupid he was and how he could fix it. When Noona finally gave him one little push, Jungkook knew what he was really supposed to be doing. He quickly left the restaurant, bought you some flowers and was coming to you. All the while he thought about how he would confess everything to you and beg for your forgiveness.

But he was too late. You broke down before him. You had known everything. To say he was shocked would be an understatement.…

For the next couple of days he didn't step out of his house. His hyungs would frequently visit him to bring him food. But Jungkook was in a state of confusion.

He thought about all the moments he shared with you. All the times you had so cunningly indicated that you knew he was using you. About all the warning you gave him. He wondered if everything you did for him was fake. The way you smiled, the way you giggled, your drunk talks, the way you comforted him, the way you took care of him. ‘Was everything an act?’

You were using him the entire time. He should feel betrayed, right? He should hate you, right? But he didn't.

He didn't hate you. Even after what you have done. Yes you were cunning and deceitful. But Jungkook couldn't hate you. He loved you, still. He wanted to hold you. He wanted to kiss you. He wanted to tell you he loves you. Is he crazy?

But like i said, love is a crazy feeling. That one person you gave your everything might destroy you, ruin you completely, strip you down to your very core and still go on hurting you but you still feel like you are your the most safest when you are with them. It's funny, right?

********

Even you, like Jungkook couldn't step out of your house. You couldn't face anyone. Not Jackson or Jieun, who would pitifully look at you and mock you for how miserable you were. Not Jungkook, who would be too disgusted to see you.

You thought about a lot of things. You wondered what made you think of this stupid plan in the first place. Were you this much of a bad person? Even if the plan had ended successfully, would you be happy?

But most of your time, you thought about why he had come back that day? Was it because he had developed feelings for you too? Your heart fluttered even by thinking about this possibility.

But it didn't matter anymore. Everything was too late. He had realized what kind of a person you actually were. You wanted to apologize to him before leaving. But you couldn't bear to hear the harsh words that would leave his mouth. You wouldn't survive it.

After three days, you decided you need to go to the university to do some necessary work. You had avoided everyone's weird gazes at you. You had no idea why they were looking at you. How would they come to know? Maybe you were just guilty. You had avoided Jackson in the cafteria. You didn't see Jungkook anywhere so you thought he didn't come.

You were sitting in the fire escape to eat your lunch when you heard someone speak.
“Hey Y/N.”

It was one of your classmates,

“Oh hey, In Guk.” you tried to fake a smile.

“Why are you sitting here alone?” He asked you.

You fell silent at this. You looked at your food.

“Is it true that you cheated on Jungkook?”

You furrowed your eyebrows at this.
“Cheated on Jungkook? No. Why would you say that?”

He smirked. “Then why are you not talking to him anymore?”

“No, I didn't break up with Jungkook. He is still my boyfriend.” You said adamantly. You were getting uncomfortable with the atmosphere.

“Oh. Calm down. Jeez I was just curious.”

You glared at him and quickly stood upto leave. But he blocked you.

“But you know I was thinking boyfriend or no boyfriend, we could still have some fun.”

You panicked at his demeanour. “Let me go, In Guk.” You said loudly.

He quickly grabbed onto your hands. “Oh come on Y/N. I won't tell anyone, I promise…. Plus you like these kind of things, don't you? Hmm? Just a kiss...”

“What the fuck are you talking about, let me go, you asshole?” You were shouting by now in the hopes that someone could hear you. He was gripping onto your hands tightly

“Stop shouting bitch. You found Jungkook as soon as you left that Jackson guy. That shows how much of a slut you are. Dating men after men. So don't play that hard to get. I know what you really want. I'll give it to you.”

You tried to wriggle out of his grip but he gripped on to your hair. Your knees felt weak. Is this the end? Is this what you get for being a bitch towards everyone? Nobody deserves this.

“Take your fucking hands off her, you bastard.”