Forever And Ever.

22

I finally had some time to sit down and write again. We were now in Leeds for three days and then Sheffield, Liverpool and finally Manchester.
I was on chapter 14 at this point, writing about Noel and I's visit to my dad's for the first time, I had found it quite fitting as I had just got back from his car crash of a funeral.
"What if we get married in Hawii?" Noel says, breaking my concentration.

"Huh?" I say, even though I had heard what he said, I hadnt processed it.

"I said, why dont we get married in Hawii like Kurt and Courtney did?" He repeats.

"Because we arent Kurt and Courtney, fuck me, we're barely Noel and Jessie" I reply, looking back down at the typewriter.

"What's 'at supposed to mean?" He asks.

"Nuffin' deary I were just havin' a dig at yer" I reply "no we aint doin' Hawii".

"Fair 'nough" he replies with a shrug and sits on the bed. "So how was Elizabeth when yer saw her?" He asks me after a few moments of mostly silence except for the sound of me typing. I look up at him again.

"Yeah she was fine, shes sayin' some words and stuff now, happy" I reply trying to avoid talking about my daughter... our daughter.... our only daughter.

"Oh great, I spoke to rkid this mornin' on the phone" he replies "they wanna bring her up to manchester".

"Why'd they wanna do that?" I ask, looking back down at the typewriter, not to type anything (although I was halfway through a sentence) but so I didnt have to look him in the eyes as I said it. Because I already knew the answer, of course we had to take her back into our care at some point right? I mean she was our child.

"Mammy said she'll wanna see 'er like" he replies "an' we gotta take her back at some point int we?". I dont reply, I keep staring at the letters infront of me, looking for an answer in my head. "I miss her y'know".

I look back up at him. "I dont" I mutter, I wasnt exactly lying, he looked shocked that I can even say that.

"How can yer even say that? She's your daughter, our daughter, in the flesh. We're her parents" he retorts, not offended, not angry, more disgusted. I get where he was coming from.

"I didnt say I dont Love her, Noel, its just that... she seems happy with Paul and Lyla. In a stable home. She doesnt even call me 'mammy' and every time I see her I feel like I'm looking after someone else's kid" I reply "I love her more than anything in this world but I just cant look after her or give her what she deserves".

"Yer a great mam, Jess, you always have been. We gotta work together on this" he replies.

"If I'm such a great mam, why do I keep fucking up? Why did I throw myself out the second floor of our house? Why is she not with me now?" I ask, I was almost crying now.

"They want to apply for guardianship of her" he replies kneeling infront of me and taking my hands, he looked like he was going to cry too. "I was going to tell you in Manchester but nows a good a time as any. Rkid asked me this morning".

"They what?".

"They asked for guardianship. It means they become her primary care givers when we are away and she can live with them. Safe, happy. I can tour and you can do what you gotta do to recover" he replies "then when we want to and the time is right, she can come back to us".

"You dont get it do yer" I reply to him. "You really dont get it. There is no me anymore. Just this shell, I have no personality or really anything left. Without you or Liam or Eliza or Violet. I'm no one".

"Dont be silly" he chuckles dismissively but also concerned.

"I'm serious, read this, it were in the hidden compartment of me suitcase, must've forgot about it" I reply and reach onto the desk. I pass over an old copy of NME from 1994, Pulp are on the front cover. I flick it to the cover feature, my cover feature, the one I did in place of Oasis after that disaster.