COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 6

NO EMOTIONS

<< What happened? Tell me immediately. >>
I hear my father's screams.
<< I - I don't know she just called me and she just said that he and Sasha...>>
Nick is talking. He seems worried.
<< Honey, please go to your room, nothing happened. >>
Mom is using her sweet and apprehensive voice.
<< Mom but why Emma doesn't react? Emmy look at me! >>
My brother looks at me with tears in his eyes.
Do they talk to me? I don't know, I don't understand anything anymore, not even where I am. I only recognize the figures in front of me.
<< My daughter is curled up in a corner, with an absent look and a face full of tears for this asshole who wasn't even smart enough to not be discovered in bed with another girl. Where is he now? >>
My father raises his voice.
Your daughter? Me? There's a very little part left of THAT girl now.
Where am I ? What is going on?
<< Please Henry, not in front of Paul! >>
My brother squeezes his toys to his chest and gives me a worried look.
<< Paul, please go to your room. I won't ask again. >> my father says.
Go to your room. I don't want you to see me like that. In whatever state I am.
<< I swear to God, Henry. I understand you. You don't know how much I'd like to smash that face too. When I went to get her, it took all my strength to not pull him away from her. He kept shouting his apologies but she crouched more and more and she didn't want to be touched by anyone. It took a while before she got into the car. I couldn't wait to take her away from there. Then when he knelt down crying.
Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. >>
Has this happened? I was like this ? I'm like this right now? Really?
Every word that comes out from Nick's mouth gives my father a different reaction. From anger to despair in a second. The anger wins and he makes one of the most expensive vases of my mother fall to the ground. But mom doesn't react, as she always does, she doesn't get angry with my father.
She just looks at me, as if she was expecting a lady's reaction.
No mom, I don't think it's going to happen. I'm not her anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. But I'm not Emma.
Eventually my father apologizes to everyone for the reaction and warns that he has to go to work with my mother and that he'll call every hour to see how I am.
But he talks to Nick, right? I don't hear anything.
I just think of her mouth on hers and her hand pulling his hair because she felt pleasure and how disgusting was when he talked to me with only the boxer on.
Holy crap . A boy I loved more than myself for three years. Three years wasted on a dickhead.
But I can't say anything.
I only think about them. I can't talk.
<< Baby, it's me. >> Nick knelt down and looked me in the eye.
I look at him but I can't talk .
<< Please Emma, ​​I can't see you like this. Let's get on the couch at least. >>
<< Emma? Who is Emma? >>
My name uttered by him, by my best friend, gave rise to something in me, and I begin to say the first words.
<< Don't you see it? It's not me, I'm no longer his Emma, I'm no one's Emma anymore. >>
He is surprised by my words. He didn't expect what I said.
I did't expect it too. But I'm already getting used to this way of thinking. I like it, I like not feeling anything, so nobody makes you suffer.
Good.
After an eternity he sighs.
<< Yes, you're my Emma! And I know who you are. >>
What?! What did he said?!
Why did he say it in a low voice?
Why is he whispering?
Didn't he wants to tell me?
But why do I ask?
Who cares. I don't care about anyone right now.
My phone keeps flashing, I can't stand it anymore.
It's him.
<< Turn off that phone. Turn everything off >> I say to Nick.
What do I mean by "turning everything off"?
I don't know, just leave me alone now.
<< Alright but now let's get up. >> Nick extends his arm towards me.
My reaction is immediate.
<< Don't touch me!>>
And back, until I hit the wall.My gesture makes him suffer.
Auch. This hurts Nick.
<< Please Emma, ​​don't do this to me. Let's go on the couch, at least that.>>
Are those tears in his eyes? He's crying?
I don't like it, I can't see him in that way, I can't.I have to do something, please react Emma, ​​do something.
I don't want to see him like that.
I appeal to all my strength and I give to him my hand and then go sit on the sofa.Nick relaxes a little, and we keep looking at each other. He continues to stare at me, my eyes, my nose, my mouth.
He lingers on my mouth. He approaches slowly.
What is he doing? What do you want to do? He wants...?
Tell me it's a joke. Are you serious?
Someone repeatedly ring the bell and I know who is, I see him going back and forth on the veranda.
Nick looks at me because he knows I understand everything.
<< If you want to send him away, I'll do it right now. >>
<< No. >>
He stares at me.
<< I'll send him away but don't leave, just stay close to me. >>
<< Always. >> he whispers.
Oh God, still with these whispers.
Please stop it.
I open the door and the asshole stops.
<< Oh, god...Emma. >>
He doesn't speak.
He remains silent.
He looks at my destroyed face.
<< I just want...>>
<< Out. >>
Did I talk? It must be, because they are both staring at me.
I finally look Leo straight in the eye and repeat it.
<< Out of my life, now. >>