COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 22

CONFESSIONS

Anger.
Just anger.
I feel like a capricious baby girl who has just been scolded by an adult.
Adult! Sure, as a figure to speech. Nick's behavior of these days is unforgivable. Not to mention what he just did, are we kidding?!
He carried me on his back in front of the whole school!
He's gone mad , what's happening to him? He's never behaved like this, he's always been such a quiet boy, he'd do anything to avoid any discussion. Now he even punches and gets nervous immediately.
Until a few days ago he was so sweet , kind, caring.
Now he's a jerk, grumpy and apathetic.
He's really starting to tire me out.
Alcohol or not, this is getting unbearable, he need to stop making such a scene.
Not even these thoughts distract me from what is happening now.
We walk all over the house, until we get upstairs. And that's where my anger turns into disappointment and sadness.
A day without drama, is asking too much? Once I put my heels down , I rush into one of the rooms and close the door, but I am immediately blocked by him who breaks in so abruptly that I jump back.
I'm exhausted, I'm really sick of it. I want to get out of here, I feel trapped.
<< Don't Nick, you did what you had to do, now that's eno...>>
<< That's it then?! Do you think kissing a bastard like that will change the situation? Will it make you forget all the shit that happened? Are we really at this point?! >> he interrupts me, shouting so much that a group of girls turns to us.
<< Close the door, or do you want other spectators? >>
He comes to his sense and does what I say, but he doesn't lose his grumpiness .
<< So?! >> insists.
I have a headache, nausea, I'm tired and I can't stand it anymore. I'm losing my patience.
<< Oh, my God what?! What's your problem now? Why are you here?! I do what I want. You had so much time to be near me, and you decide right now to be a dickhead. What timing! >>
I can barely stand up, right after I stumble over something and completely lose my balance and feel myself falling into the void until Nick's strong arms grab me and carry me to bed.
I want to yell at him, vent all the anger repressed on him but I don't react.
<< Nick, go away, please. >>
<< You're so drunk! It was him? So he could take advantage of you? If I hadn't been there I don't know what would have happened, I don't even want to thinking about it. >> he says by placing his thumb on my lips.
This gesture makes me shudder but at the same time it triggers something inside me and I regain lucidity. I get out of the bed and distance myself from him.
<< It's true...you weren't there, but not only today, you haven't been there from the start. >> my tone of voice gets louder and louder and this frightens him, I see it, I read it in his face.
He looks down.
<< You can't even look me in the eyes. >>
<< I'm sorry, I-I just...>>
Tears threaten to come down from my face.
<< No, Nick, I'm sorry, look what we've become. We're not this, maybe you were right, that kiss changed everything. >>
<< No... >> he whispers.
Please don't make this more difficult.
He goes all the way across the room until he is within walking distance from me.
But I can't. I can't stand this closeness anymore, so I step back and it makes him suffer.
You don't know how sick I've been these days, but now it's all clear.
<< We're hurting each other Nick, maybe London comes at the right time, we need to stay away, we're destroying everything. This has to stop, whatever it is between us. >>
" Emma, no , not now. You're not in yourself, it's alcohol. "  my mind begs it.
That's good, because it gives me the courage to do what's right.
<< Emma , please, this is worse. You're not sober now. Let's talk about that night, calmly >> he speaks quickly.
He's scared. You don't know how scared I am, I'm giving up on you!
But I have to, we're both suffering. So I decide to lie.
<< Like you said, there's nothing more to say. What happened meant nothing. >>
I have to get out of here before I burst completely into tears. The sooner I leave the better.
I turn the door handle and I try hard to get out of this room.
<< It meant everything to me. >>
WHAT?!
Just a whisper, it may seem like this.
But for me it's so much more, it is as if he shouted it.
The phrase keeps flashing in my mind, it turns on and off like a switch.
It's like I've been electrocuted, I'm paralyzed, until I lose the ability to talk.
I turn to him.
He breathes hard, his eyes are wet and he stares at me without looking away.
<< It's true, and I know I lied, but I can't. >> He puts his hands in front of his face , covering it , hiding from me.
He struggles to speak but I want , indeed I MUST know more.
I reach him and gently remove his hands from his face and notice that he is crying.
<< Go on. >>
He takes big breaths and places his hand in mine.
<< It wasn't a mistake, not at all. It happened suddenly, and that scared me. I mean, you're Emma, you're not just any girl. When I realized you were leaving, I panicked, it's like the world collapsed on me, like something is taking away the one thing that really matters. You were so distant, I didn't know how to do it, and I did the thing I always wanted to do. I acted without thinking, and it turned out to be... I don't know how to define it. All I know is that the thought of you kissing another person makes me crazy. I don't know what to think, I'm so confused,
I don't know how to show you how much you mean to me.>>
<< Prove it. >>
Don't do it Emma.
He looks at me confused. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm not the one talking. My body reacts for me, or maybe it's the drunk Emma.
<< W-what? >> he stutters.
I pull him by the jacket collar and we walk backwards until my back bumps against the wall.
I approach his face to mine and block him with both hands.
<< Show me now how much I mean to you. >> My lips are practically on his, but they don't touch yet.
I feel his heavy breathing, but also his hesitation.
<< Emma...>> I lay my hand on the back of his head and pull a lock of his hair. He stares at my lips insistently.
Do it, I need it. You need it. We need it.
<< Emma, we can't...>>
<< Nick? Nick, are you there? >> a person exclaims from outside.
Suddenly the door opens and a smiling girl comes in , I had never seen her before.
She's tall, dark skin, brown eyes and short, black, curly hair. She looks like a model of Victoria's Secret.
Nick quickly detaches himself from me and looks embarrassed at the unknown girl.
Nick embarrassed? What's going on here?
<< Oh sorry guys, Nick you left your wallets before, when we were in the other room. >>
What?! In the other room? The two of them together, why?
<< Yes, thanks Kya. >> he answers to her. I notice the suspicious looks between them.
Wait, don't tell me that....
I'm gonna throw up.
He's not here for me, he came to have a "love story" with this girl!
<< He's all yours now. >> I mutter horrified.
I leave the room furiously, I go down the stairs and head to the kitchen.
Aria, as soon as she sees me, breathes of relief.
<< Here you are, finally! >>
She freezes when she sees my red eyes.
<< Hey , are you okay? >>
No, I feel like shit.
In front of her there are three shots, I take them and drink one after the other.
<< Well, something happened. >> Aria exclaims, looking behind me.
I bet that Nick is here.
Here he is, in fact.
<<Em, you misunderstood, nothing happened! >>
If I hear him talking again, I swear I'll make a scene.
I ignore him and I drink a sip of Aria's drink but Nick rips it from my hands.
<< Listen to me, I'm serious! >>
<< Enough , stop! I can't take it anymore! Shut the fuck up! I'm leaving. >>
I'm running out of this damn place.
<< Reach her, what are you waiting for?! Go! >> Aria says pushing Nick in my own direction.

A few minutes later, I don't know how, I find myself on the sidewalk , a block away from the house.
I drank too much, the hell that the effects of alcohol pass soon!
<< Where the hell are you going? > Nick yells at me.
<< Home, away from you. >>
<< Walking?! Are you crazy?! At this time?! Come on, I'll drive you. >> he reaches me, blocking me the road in front of a stop sign.
I'm having a hard time checking my phone.
It's fucking two in the morning. Thirteen missed calls from my dad and a message from my mom asking if I was with Nick and to come back home soon.
Shit, shit. I'm panicking, what do I do now?! Nick also checks his phone and after typing something he puts it back in his pocket.
<< They texted me too, and I said I'd take you back to your house right now, so let's move. >> You can absolutely forget that I go anywhere with you.
<< I prefer to walk then stay close to you! Take your perfect girlfriend to your car. >>
<< Do you want to worry your parents too?! They don't deserve this, so move your ass and let's go! >>
Nick and bad words, I want to laugh, but I'm still pissed.
So lower your voice , asshole.
He's right, however, they don't deserve it. I don't want to disappoint them even today.
So I decide to do the right thing.
<< All right, but don't you dare talk to me, you'll take me home and you'll leave, period. >> I yell at him by approaching to his car.