COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 32

SURPRISE!

​"Falling for you?"
That word bounces against the walls of my mind like an infinite echo. Is it possible? Of course not. It’s absurd, surreal, terribly premature. It’s simply impossible.
​I watch him as he moves his face a few inches away from mine; his usual crooked smile tells me he’s joking, that he’s provoking me just like he always has. But his eyes... they aren't laughing. They shine with a clear, vibrant light, as if they are waiting for a confirmation I don’t have the courage to give. Nick has this ancestral power: he empties my lungs, steals my words, and makes me feel like a fool. He’s always had it, but never with this devastating force.
​I realize that Leo’s betrayal hurt me more out of pride than for the loss of a love that, perhaps, wasn't love at all. But I can't switch from hating one person to loving another in the blink of an eye. The old Emma would have believed it, but that girl died under the weight of disappointment. God, I read too many romance novels... maybe I should switch to horror.
​Nick stares at my lips with an insistence that burns my skin. While I get lost in a thousand conjectures, he moves his hands through my hair, tracing a slow line with his thumb that starts from my earlobe and slides down to my collarbone. The shiver that follows pulls a sigh from me that is far too loud, and I see a flash of triumph in his gaze. His lips draw near again—stormy, magnetic... Too close. I’ve had enough for today.
"A harmless kiss, Nick. Don’t push it," I say, turning my face toward the street to escape his magnetism.
"You know it’s not like that, you know perfectly well that..."
"What are we doing, Nick? You tell me, because I’m drowning in all of this!" I exclaim, turning my back to him.
​I hear his breathing accelerate behind me. My question hit him dead center.
"What do you mean by 'this'?"
"Us, Nick! Us!" I yell, spinning around abruptly. "We are this whole mess..." I whisper then, pointing to the millimetric space that separates us.
He runs his hands through his hair, messing up his tuft with frantic gestures, his gaze lost in the void. I hate when he does that, when he retreats into silence. And yet here I am, attracted like a magnet, despite London, despite Leo, despite the fear. If he’s the convinced one, the one who kissed me and defended me, why won’t he say anything?
"You know what I think," he finally whispers.
The Nick who builds walls is back.
​"No, I don’t! In just a few days, my world has flipped upside down. You kiss me, then act like it’s nothing; you tell me you don’t want to lose me but then take it all back at the first fight! You defend me and then disappear! All of this because you know I’m leaving? You don’t have to force yourself to show me affection; I’ll always be there for you, but..."
His arm snaps out, grabbing me by the elbow, while his left hand rests on my lips to silence me.
"I defend you because that’s what friends do. Of course I’m hurting, I don’t want to lose you, but understand me... I’m confused too. When you’re involved, my brain short-circuits. All I know is that I feel a visceral need to protect you, even if you don’t want me to."
​"But you can’t mess up my life like this!" I shout at him, brushing his fingers away from my trembling lips. And then the tears come. I hate being this vulnerable, but all this weight is crushing me. I lose my mind with him too, but something inside me screams at me to stop, to protect myself from another broken heart. I need time, and time is exactly what we don’t have.
"Please, Emma..." he murmurs, seeing my tears.
"No more pleading, Nick. It’s my fault. It’s all a mess and I shouldn't have asked you anything. We’re friends, and our friendship is too precious to be destroyed by our impulses."
"Is that what you really want?" he whispers with a voice that breaks my soul.
No. No, not at all. But I have to do it.
"Yes," I answer, trying to sound convinced.
"You want to put an end to 'this'? You want to put an end to us?"
Us...
"Not to our friendship."
He moves closer, studying my every move. "You want to put an end to us?"
"We’re friends, Nick. We always will be," I say, wiping my tears with the sleeves of my hoodie and looking away. A clean break, Emma. It’s the only way not to die when you’re on that plane.
He turns around, clenching his fists in his pockets to release the tension.
"I guess it’s for the best," he finally says.
Those words hurt like a blade.
​We stand in silence, immersed in the advancing darkness, until a voice message from my brother in the family group chat breaks the spell. His shrill voice asking about dinner is so absurd in this moment that Nick bursts out laughing, and I follow suit.
"Unbelievable," he chuckles.
"That kid is going to drive me insane."
This is what we are: a perfect, magnificent disaster that goes from shouting to laughing in a second.
​We walk toward his car (which he left in a second row twenty minutes away, obviously). Nick jokes about being a "rich bad boy" from the Upper East Side to lighten the mood, but I get lost staring at the New York sky turning orange.
As a child, I used to paint these sunsets, envying the birds for their freedom. I wanted to be like them, free to fly toward the unknown. Today, watching a flock of swallows, I feel like that little swallow left behind, abandoning the nest. I’m leaving everything: my city, Aria, my family... and Nick. I’m chasing a dream in London, and for the first time, the unknown doesn't scare me so much anymore.
​Arriving in front of the house, Nick insists on walking me inside. He’s strange, agitated in a different way. He takes my hand, brings it to his chest, over his heart that is beating fast. "Trust me," he whispers.
He blindfolds me with a black cloth. "If this is for my birthday, you’re two weeks early!" I protest as he guides me into the garden. I hear the sound of footsteps, of held breaths.
When Nick unties the knot and the blindfold falls, I stand paralyzed.
"SURPRISE!"
Fifty people are in my garden. Paul, Aria, my parents, grandparents, cousins. British flags everywhere, congratulatory signs, and a massive cake with the crest of the Royal Academy of Music.
I feel my blood freeze. I hadn't told anyone. Only one person.
I turn toward him, my heart racing wildly.
"NICK!"