COMPLICATED.

CHAPTER 32

SURPRISE!

"Falling in love?"

The voice in my head repeats it endlessly, is it possible? Of course not, are you kidding? It's not normal, it's surreal, too early, too predictable, it's simply impossible.
I watch him walk a few inches away from my face, he smiles, and from there I know he's joking, as always. His eyes, however, shine bright, as if they were waiting for a real answer, I don't know what to say, he has this power to make me miss words from my mouth and alsomake me look like an idiot. He's always had it, but never like this.
I realized that the betrayal struck me more than the lack of love with Leo , it's not that he wasn't important for me, but I can't pass from an uncontrollable hate for one person to an unbridled love for another. Old Emma might have been convinced of , but not now, not after all of this. God, I read too many love stories...maybe I should start reading some horror books.
Nick stares insistently at my lips, I noticed it while my head continued to formulate three thousand stupid hypotheses. Get your mind back, damn it!
He slowly moves his hands between my hair and passes his thumb all over my neck, drawing a perfect line from the lobe to the clavicle, This gives me a sigh maybe too loud and a grin of conquest in Nick.
Next thing I know, I'm staring at his lips and are approaching tempestly to mine...too close that's enough for today.
I can't do that.
<< A harmless kiss, don't insist. >> I say looking at the road in front of me, to avoid his gaze.
<< You know that's not true, you know perf...>>
<< What are we doing Nick? Can you tell me? Because I don't understand any of this. >> I exclaim in a decisive tone and turning my back on him.
I feel his breathing accelerated , my question surprised him and I know he is agitated, but never like me right now.
<< What do you mean by "this" ? >>
<< We , Nick , we! >> I scream exasperated turning towards him.
<< We are " this", Nick...>> I whisper pointing with the index the minimum space that divides us.
He puts his hands in my hair moving his tuft from one side to the other with automatic and frenetic gestures while his gaze is lost in the void.
Here's something I can't stand about him: when he doesn't respond immediately and starts staring into the void. And yet here I am again, attracted like a magnet to him , despite everything and despite everyone. At least you should be the most convinced of the two, he's the one who got mad at Jack on the day of the party, he kissed me, he confessed that he didn't want to lose me, say something!
<< You know what I think. >> he whispers in one breath.
The careless Nick is back...
<< No, I don't know. In just a few days everything changed for me, I'm very confused, you kiss me, then you pretend nothing happened, then you confess to me that you do this because you don't want to lose me but after a simple fight you take it all back, You defend me but then you abandon me for hours! What's going on? All this because you know that I will leave? It's not necessary, I will always be there, and you don't have to show me your affection, I'm aware of it. But no... >>
I'm interrupted by his arm grabbing my hand and his left hand leaning against my lips so I can shut up. This silver tongue of mine amazes me but it's necessary to make him understand my frustration, I can't go on like this , WE can't go on like this.
<< I defend you because that's what friends do, of course I'm feeling bad, I don't want to lose you and I know I won't lose you, I know that. But please understand, I'm confused too, I only know the ten percent of what I'm doing when you're in the middle of it. I don't think and I don't recognize myself anymore. I just know that I have to protect you and be close to you even if you don't want to. >> he says in a sigh.
<< You can't even mess up my life like this! >> I yell at him as I wipe his quivering fingers off my lips.
Oh no, here's the tears, I'm such a crybaby, I've never cried so much in my whole life, and I know exactly why...
It's the same thing for me too, I feel the same way, even I can't stand the idea of losing him and I lose my mind when I'm with him, and I can't react. But at the same time something inside me stops me from all this, something wants to protect me from what will happen if I let myself go completely. I've been disappointed too many times and all in such a short time, I can't make the same mistakes again, I won't allow it, I need time.
<< Please Emma.. >> he exclaims at the sight of the tears that come down from my face until they're touching the pavement of the parking lot of the bar.
<< Stop praying Nick, it's my fault. I shouldn't have asked you this, it's all a mess and it's not your fault, it's mine. You don't have to say anything, we lost control for a moment. Our friendship is too strong to be ruined by our impulsiveness. >>
<< Is this what you want? >> he murmurs so that I can't hear, but I would recognize his voice wherever I am.
No. Absolutely not. But someone has to.
<< Yes >> I answer decided.
You're such a liar.
My tears don't stop.
<< Do you want to end "all this" ? >>
<< Nick...>>
<< You want to end "us"?
Us...
You're such a coward.
<< Not to our friendship. >>
<< No Em...>> he says walking to be one millimeter from me.
He looks at me from head to toe, he's studying the language of my body, I know. I have to fake it perfectly.
<< Do you want to end "us" ? >>
Stop saying that word.
I cast away tears and suddenly pass all over my face the sleeves of my sweatshirt.
Come on Emma, a clean shot, is the only way not to suffer, not to make him suffer.
<< We'll be friends Nick, forever. >> I say with convinced tone looking everywhere, but not his perfect face.
Because I know it could blow my plan.
With the corner of my face eye I see turnng on himself, punching his hands into pockets, as if it was a way to unload all his frustration.
I don't know what to say, I don't know what to think.
<< I think it's better this way. >> I hear him all of a sudden.
Yes, it does hurt.
I remain silent for I don't know how much, I don't even want to know, I just want to go home, run straight to my room, stare at the ceiling or pretend to read a tearful novel. I know it won't help but at least I'll be alone.
<< I shouldn't have raised my voice, you've already had to put up with too much today. Jack, Leo and your father's story...>>
<< It's okay, I'm fine. >>
No, you're not but I decide to let it go.
The tension between us is broken by a voice message in the family group on Whatsapp.
I turn up the volume so I can hear it, but I regret it immediately when I hear my brother's squeaky voice asking me insistently when I'll come home for dinner. I instinctively put my hands over my ears, squint my eyes and make smirks of pain.
And that's when Nick starts laughing, and also me.
<< He's incredible. >> he grins at my phone.
<< This boy will be my death. > I say laughing.
We scream first, then we talk seriously, and then we end up laughing like when we were kids.
" We" are so, "we" are this, that's what we are. We are a perfect mess that unfortunately can't be solved. Yeah, let's just enjoy this while it lasts.
<< Come on, I'll drive you home, it's getting dark, I'm not letting you go home alone. >> he exclaims exasperated pressing insistently the buttons of the keys, but without result.
<< Erm, which car? >>
He snorts and laughs at the same time, clapping his hands on his forehead.
<< True. I left it twenty minutes away from here, in the second row I think. We should walk for a while. >>
Predictable. He ran all the way here to make sure I was okay.
I'm the queen of bitches.
We start walking fast.
<< You know they probably gave you a fine, right? >>
<< Oh I think I can pay it, I'm one of the richest guys on the Upper East Side, right?! A handsome millionaire boy. >> says imitating the voice of one of the many son of his father's colleagues.
<< Yes of course, bad boy. >> I murmur rolling my eyes.
He just smiles at me.